by Hal Lillywhite

Created on: August 15, 2007

"Daddy didn't even say goodbye."

That was the view of a small boy whose father died unexpectedly. I knew him after he grew up, and knew his mother. The mother remembered that statement. Knowing him, I believe it affected him all his life. He missed his father and grew up without the advantage of a father in the home. Would it have helped had someone been able to provide more comfort for him when the loss occurred? I don't know but small children do need something in this kind of situation.

Of course how serious a loss is to a child depends on who died, how close the child was to the deceased, and how much the child depended on that person. I think there are several aspects of death that should be addressed in an age-appropriate manner:

1. Who will take care of me? If the deceased was a parent or caregiver to the child, that child will want to know who will now provide the care. For this we can usually provide reassurance. "Your daddy is still here. He loves you and will take care of you." Substitute grandparent or whoever will become the child's guardian.

2. Will someone else die? A child may feel insecure because one important person is gone. It could happen to someone else, even to the child. We should make no promises we cannot keep which means we cannot promise nobody else will die. However we can assure the child that it is unlikely that another important person in his life will die, and that someone will be there to care for him in any case.

3. Why can't I see Grandma again? This is a concern for children who have been close to the deceased. I recommend taking the child to the viewing if feasible, so he/she can see that the body is now lifeless. This may seem traumatic but I believe it is better than leaving the child thinking that the person will return. After that we can assure the child that death is part of life and that the person followed the normal course of living. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may be able to give some assurance that the deceased is now in a better place and still loves the child.

4. Will I die? Again, don't lie to a child. He/she will die but probably not soon. Death is part of life. If your religion allows, you can assure the child that death is just a change of worlds and that after death he will be reunited with loved ones, including the recently deceased. Be careful with this last, you don't want the child to desire death to be with the recently departed. Assure him that death comes to us but that we usually have time to live this life first and that the deceased would want him to enjoy life for many years before that reunion occurs.

Of course this is not an easy thing to explain to children. Be understanding about it. It may help to bring in clergy or a therapist who has experience dealing with this situation. Most of us have neither training nor much experience with this. Don't hesitate to ask for help if the child has a particularly hard time.

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