by Gerry Leopard

Created on: August 15, 2007

How To Be A Musik Snob

There are certain people who set themselves up as arbiter of what music is acceptable and what music is not acceptable to listen to. If you listen to these people they will gladly define for you which CD's are cool to have in your collection and what CD's you must never possess under any circumstances, lest you be branded for life as a poseur.

We have all met these people. They are easily identified. In general terms the Musik Snob can be defined as one who expresses an intense fervor towards a particular type of music at the exclusion of all others. Their fervor often borders on obsession. Some other defining characteristics are as follows:

1. In order to be a true Musik Snob you must be able to readily name at least 10 bands that are so obscure that there's no chance that anyone can comment on their musical merits or for that matter even question their existence (just in case you made one or two up)

2. You must possess (or at least appear to) an encyclopedic knowledge of classic albums and the bands who recorded them. Furthermore you must be able to name each cut in sequence along with being able to quote a few of the liner notes. A good initial exercise for the aspiring music snob is to be able to name, from left to right, each person represented in the background on the cover of the Sgt. Pepper LP.

3. You must be willing with little or no provocation to prattle on for hours to anyone within earshot about who truly is the greatest guitarist that ever lived. Points will be deducted if you mention Eric Clapton without pointing out that he still hasn't lived up to his potential. As to the greatest guitar solo ever? You must relinquish any prayer of ever achieving any credibility as a true Musik Snob if, even accidentally, the name Frampton is uttered.

4. You must not, can not, allow yourself to comment favorably on any tune or artist that is currently on the Billboard Charts. There are two exceptions. If an artist struggled for years prior to being a commercial success, it may be acceptable to mention that you "liked the early stuff" as long as you make sure everyone knows that you know that the group has now "sold out". A variation on this is if an artist is no longer a commercial success. In this case, under rare circumstances, you may admit to liking them so long as you offer the disclaimer "Well, they've grown so much artistically and refused to sell-out"

5. As a Musik Snob you must love the following bands: The Pixies, The Cure, Velvet

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