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how do you get past his secretary?
A: I have found that a half-roll of paper towels place strategically in my Dockers tends to overcome any form of feminine resistance.

Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: Girl cousins under the age of 14, Jerry Springer "Too Hot for TV" videos and trailer park meth.

This was just a sampling.

After completing the arial-fonted interrogatory, I gave it back to the creature guarding the desk. And was escorted to a door marked, Personnel.

As we entered, I said to the creature, "Hold my calls will you". It made me look important and image is everything.

As I shook hands with the interviewer, I mentioned how good Myrtle looked after her nose job and asked politely if such surgery was on her agenda. I got no response and she proceeded to conduct what I felt was a pretty standard series of queries. Although I did have to turn down the volume on my IPOD in order to hear her better.

"It appears you've been fired form very position you've held"
"Well, yeah, but I ain't no quitter"

"How well do you work under pressure"?
"Pretty Good. The hallucinogens tend to take the edge off".

"What was your greatest achievement?"
"Uh, I'm not quite sure; I was pretty stoned at the time."

"What do you feel you could bring to the company?"
"Oh, lot's of stuff. Just give me a list and I'll swipe it from the company I'm working for now".

What do you think is your strongest skill?
"Computer illiteracy. I can work a copier real good." Always prepared, I presented the photo of my butt I'd done at the Christmas party as evidence.

"Well", she said, "I know pretty much what I need to know. Do you have any questions for me"?

"Do you allow sleepovers"?
"No."

"Does your health plan cover only prescribed drugs"
"Yes"

"Does it cover bipolar, manic-depressives with a documented history of workplace violence"?
"I'd have to check"

"Am I going to be paid for interviewing with you?"
"It's not our policy"

"How much does the job pay"?
"If we took total leave of our senses and hired you, what would you be looking for?"

"Oh, $250K a year, company car, 8 weeks vacation, country club membership, private secretary".
"What if we were to add an unlimited expense account, a three day workweek and a health club membership?"

"You're joking", I said.
"You started it" she said.

We then parted on friendly terms. I felt it went so well, I immediately resigned my present job. I'm expecting them to call any day.

Learn more about this author, Gerry Leopard.
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