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Why does one marriage work while another fails? Infidelity, lack of money, growing apart, each of these "causes" and many others can stem from a deeper root cause, which we can term lack of communication.

I will not kid you. Marriages fail for a myriad of reasons that have little-if anything-to do with communication. If a husband blackens his wife's eye, screams at the children, drinks to excess, will I argue these tragic circumstances would not happen, but for a little more conversation, a touch more empathy? No, let us not be absurd.

But we examine the most frequent cause of marital failure. And this means we need big numbers, which leads us so often to a failure of communication. We simply do not talk to each other enough.

Financial strain, budget issues. How many couples lay out a budget together? How many couples really know how much their spouse spends or even, sometimes, how much their spouse makes. Infidelity? He stopped listening to me. She would not care if I cheated. We grew apart and I looked elsewhere. Couples need to address these problems in the early stages before they spin into ugliness, into unforgivable pain.

Sometimes we lack not quality of communication, but simple quantity. It might be children. It might be one spouse burying him or herself in work. With men, you may see the "cave syndrome" where he gets home and heads to the den or flips on the game and plops onto the couch with a beer. With women, it might be shopping. Moreover, I do not mean to make this sexist. It can be the reverse.

Nevertheless, whatever the cause, however, we choose to deal with it, the root evil behind too many divorces is couples stop talking, couples stop listening. And this means that they grow apart, they look elsewhere, and they do not know what is going on in each other's lives.

This is a shame, because most marriages start with love and end, not with hate, but with indifference. Communication, words, sharing each other's thoughts can stop that process and ensure that love continues to flourish.

Learn more about this author, Brad Kincaid.
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