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"An Ode to the Tinfoild Man"

The Tinfoil Man, Mike Sweeney, the most perpetually injured baseball player ever witnessed, keeps-up his Disabled List streak this year, even after recovering from knee surgery.

Sweeney attempts to outdo himself this year, as he will attempt to break his record of 102 missed games. If all goes well, he will miss 105 games this year, continuing his steady improvement throughout this millenium.

Mike's Weeney began his streak in 2001, when he missed 15 games. In 2002 he missed 36 games, in 2003 he missed 54 games and in 2004 he missed 56 games. Then, Mike's Weeney had a slump year in 2005 when he only missed 40 games. Weeney made a great comeback in 2006, missing 102 games! If the Tinfoil Man can stay focused and remain on the DL the rest of the year, he will beat his record season in 2007, with 105 games missed!

Weeney is proud to have been a four-tool injury guy this year: May 12 he had hammy tightness, June 2 the flu, June 9 a sore knee, June 13 back tightness, then a solid string of knee injuries, culminating in surgery, which Weeney described as, "Hurting like the dickens." Yes, he really said that.

The Tinfoil Man is set to miss over 400 games during the last 7 years of his career. The Tinfoil Man will average 58 games missed a season! Wowie! That is nearly one-third of each season! However, Sweeney is now setting new highs for himself by missing two-thirds of the last two seasons. Fans want Weeney to take his lack of game to a new level this year.

The Tinfoil Man accomplishes all this despite making $11 million dollars a year! He signed a 5 year, $55 million dollar contract in 2002, which includes a No Trade Clause, and a provision that if he is traded before 2008 the Royals must pay him $12.5 million dollars in 2007. Way to go Weeney! That is better than the Sex Pistols Great Rock N' Roll Swindle, where they got paid a million pounds record advance from EMI and never had to do a thing because they said F*k the Queen on live BBC television. The Tinfoil Man ain't going anywhere! The fans in Kansas City will be able to love him while sitting on the bench for the rest of the year. Keep swindling S'weeney!

As General Manager for the Dead Coccyx, a struggling fantasy baseball franchise, I give a big shout-out to S'weeney in admiration of his accomplishment. Yep, we tried to get The Tinfoil Man to sit on our fantasy bench this year, but when we picked him up off of waivers to replace the injured Jim Thome on a Friday morning, he was hurt by that afternoon. You just can't keep a guy like him...up, you know, he is too dedicated to his craft. We would have liked him to sit on our bench, but our bench has been too full of guys this season trying to accomplish what the Tinfoil Man has been doing longer than anyone. We'll probably never see a streak like his again. It is like DiMaggio's record, or Cy Young's. Just forget about it! Sweeney is the greastest ever at what he does not do.

Getting paid to do nothing is quite the accomplishment. Usually only members of the Skull and Bones, British Royalty, or hypnotized "Office Space"-type workers can do nothing and get paid for it. Baseball players are usually expected to play often, even every night for years, like Ripken or Gehrig, but Sweeney has found a way to become as rich as a King and do nothing, by having little boo-boos all the time. Tinfoil Man, you are an inspiration to us all!

Learn more about this author, Darren Walker.
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