by Kathy D

Created on: August 12, 2007

We love. We trust...then one day our spouse throws us for a loop by cheating. We feel like we've been thrown in the midst of a hurricane. The pain of infidelity is intense. Sometimes the pain is worse than if we had lost them through death. Through death, we would know they left still loving us and the bond of trust wouldn't have been broken. Infidelity makes a mockery of the vows that were spoken, the vows that united two people together in love and trust.

Infidelity doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage. There is a choice to rebuild, but this takes two people working toward a common goal. If the person who cheated admitted their infidelity, they are more likely to be genuinely remorseful. If you had to beat (figuratively speaking) the truth out of them, they are probably only sorry they got caught. They are likely to have a character flaw, one of which easily deceives.

It pays to look at the big picture. An otherwise good marriage can work through infidelity if it was a one-time thing. You may be throwing away something good if you act abruptly and on emotion and decide to end the marriage. Weigh what you will lose against what you will gain by trying to rebuild the marriage. The cheater has to take responsibility for their behavior. Cheating is about the cheater. No matter what was happening in their life, in your marriage, they are solely responsible for making this decision. But, both need to look at any negatives that are being brought into the marriage and correct them.

In order to rebuild a marriage, the one who has been cheated on has to have the desire to rebuild. They have to stand up for what they want, lay out boundaries of what they will not accept. They have to forgive and get past the resentment and anger. They need emotional closure in order to move ahead. The cheater should be willing to do whatever it takes for their partner to gain this closure. The cheater has to earn their way back in. This takes time and patience on both parts. The cheater must break all ties with the one they had an affair with. There are no exceptions! The cheater must be an open book and not give any doubts to their genuineness in rebuilding the marriage.

The cheater needs to listen to their partner's pain. The partner needs to be heard and understood how infidelity ripped away trust. There has to be open and honest communication from both sides. The marriage that once was, is gone and rebuilding is about something new. Sometimes infidelity is a wake-up call and a marriage can be rebuilt into something more beautiful than existed before. But, the desire and willingness has to come from both parties. It's a choice!

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