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Based on several factors relating to concerns over political correctness, and in the spirit of community so prevalent in today's America, I would like to propose a new, standardized job application to replace the entire multitude of other non-standardized applications currently in use across the country. Not only will this new form insure that we all receive the same consideration, it will also save on paper costs, and therefore trees, because of its brevity.

Thus, we can safely say that by switching to my standardized application we can prevent discrimination, aid in the fight against global warming, and practice effective environmental conservation. What more could you ask for?

My form would read: "Please inform us of your name, and/or the name you prefer to be called by." A single line for an answer and that's it! This solution would be even better if the application were only available online so as to prevent any decisions based consciously or unconsciously on sloppy handwriting. Online storage and tracking would also allow for quicker placement of people into any available position. Any time a company needed an employee, they could simply request a name from the pool, and all things being equal, as current trends tend to indicate, "Voila!" Just like that, a new employee would be assigned. No more multiple interview processes, no more days or weeks of searching for the right person, just simple, straightforward, equitable job placement for all.

The Legalese

Thank you for choosing to fill out this form and applying for a job (career/business opportunity/method of procuring monetary sustenance for your family(ies)/la familia). Due to pending legal cases and other pre-established policies of what we can and cannot ask on these non-intrusive questionnaires, there will be no further questions posed to you. There will also be no interview (pre-screening/evaluation/exam ination) prior to hiring, so that we may avoid even the hint of anyone's personality interfering with the hiring process. We, the collective we, have devised what we hope will be a simple, legal, and risk free to all, method of engaging the help of individuals to nurture our business concerns.

Without posing any further questions, please allow us to extend to you (any and all who read, have read to them, or choose not to read this document) our invitation to you to join our team. If you are a member of any political, religious, or ethnic minority; or if you believe you are; or if you feel, think, hope, have been told you are; or even if you would like to be, please be here Monday morning, or afternoon, whichever is more convenient for you.

Thank you, again - you're hired.

Learn more about this author, Michael Raymond.
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