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Ah, the wedding proposal. That perfect, magical moment when everything is oh-so romantic, every detail carefully planned and methodically executed. Because he's been planning this behind your back for weeks, right?

Yes, in the movies, the proposal is a grand, romantic, extravagant affair. But then again, in the movies, you can be unemployed and still afford an amazingly large apartment in New York City. Lots of things happen in the movies.

In real life, we try to make things look the way they do in the movies, because we think that's how it's supposed to look. The proposal is supposed to be special, unique, unexpected, and, by default, expensive.

I have never understood the allure of the fairy-tale Hollywood proposal. I consider myself to be a romantic, but there are some things I just don't get. They do nothing for me. The engagement ring in the glass of champagne? Okay, so you just bought me this beautiful and very pricey ring - you're going to get it all sticky by dunking it in alcohol? And how am I supposed to get it out of the champagne flute, anyway? You got some tongs for me? Oh, I'd love to put the ring on, to show it off, but I have to run to the bathroom to wash it off first (and, being the klutz I can be at times, pray I don't drop the danged ring down the drain). Don't even get me started on hiding the ring in dessert - I'm going to have to have the thing steam-cleaned if you're going to stick it in my creme brule. And why would you want to ruin my creme brule like that?

The second most popular choice, after the romantic French dinner scenario, is the public proposal. Because that's what marriage is all about - it's not about you and me and us spending our lives together, becoming a family. No, it's about making a big show of it.

Unfortunately, I have been witness to not one, but two public proposals - at a bar. And not even a "nice" bar, you know, where the bartenders actually mix drinks instead of just handing out brown bottles - not that there's anything wrong with those places (obviously, I was there; I frequent those places myself). But if you're trying to be impressive... try a little harder. Dollar specials might be a clue you're not trying hard enough.

There was a live band that night, and as the band was going on a break, the lead singer said he had a special announcement. He asked his buddy to come up, because the buddy had asked him for some mike time. The buddy, still holding on to his half-empty Bud, announced to the bar that tonight, on

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