Control tactics within a relationship are usually implemented slowly so that the victim doesn't even know that he or she is being controlled until it has gotten to be a very oppressive situation. The amount of control abuse in a relationship dictates weather it is simple low scale manipulation of a partner or flat out abuse.

Most controlling partners begin with guilt or isolation. Guilt is pretty self explanatory and uses past incidences or situations out of your control to make you feel like you owe your partner; this tactic is used to manipulate another person into a compromise or indulgence. ie: "Honey, I know we can't afford this outfit for me but you spent twice as much as you should have fixing the car last month." {never-mind that the transmission was on the ground, because she's right, the work cost twice the estimate you got at first.} and and argument ensues. She ends up getting angry, purposely crying, or making you feel that the added expense was your fault. whether she gets the outfit or not, she wins because you now want to placate her and she ultimately benefits from the experience and you are left feeling like dirt.

Isolation is the process of cutting emotional ties with your family, friends, and other supportive groups. This is usually very covert and you significant other may request you cancel plans with these people so that you can spend more time with him or her or may object to you being friends with a certain individual. They may try to play favorites with the children and try to make them turn against you.

Financial control is a big indicator of a controlling relationship. Without access to checking accounts, credit cards, etc, an abusers significant other has limited options to get out of the situation. They have no money with which to establish a new life or even get far enough away from their abuser to be safe.

The other abusive control tactics are coercion and threats, intimidation, emotional and physical abuse, and minimizing, blaming, and denying. The MBD tactic is used when a partner acts like abuse isn't happening or using the good old " you made me hit you/ put you down" line. Any violent behavior even if not directed at you personally or perpetrated on an inanimate object is still considered emotional abuse since the significant other is displaying his anger in such a way that his spouse becomes aware of the violence he is capable of committing; this is an intimidation tactic.

The last control tactic is called Gender Privilege. This happens when one partner treats the other as subservient, such as "a woman's place is in the kitchen" and "the man is the master of his castle" type thinking. It can even be as simple as a woman telling her husband to sleep on the couch after a fight; if she's the one who's still mad why does the husband have to pay for it? She should put herself on the couch for a cool off session, not him just because he's male.

Recognizing these signs in your relationship is the first step to getting out of it. Build your emotional support back up and push on. Things may get worse before they get better but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

For more help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233

Learn more about this author, Marcia Middleton.
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