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People have an inherent need to feel love and appreciation from those around them. We all want to feel that we are valued, that we have something beautiful and unique to bring to the world. And when we do not feel this way, then we feel we do not exist. We feel dead.

This holds all the more true for our children. Before they reach their teenage years children look to their parents to tell them who they are. Through the feedback that parents give- whether explicit or implicit, positive or negative- children form a concept of their self-image and self-worth. The more clear the feedback, the more sure the child is about himself and his place in the world.

Sibling rivalry will always occur when a child is unsure of himself or his place. If he feels that he is not being recognized or singled-out then he will look to the places where attention is being given and "fight" for that space.

The way to stop sibling rivalry is to address each child's need to feel special. Though it gets more challenging with bigger families it is certainly doable. Here quality and not necessarily quantity is most important. The following are a few ideas to keep in mind:

1. Though your children are all equal in value, they are not necessarily equal in rights or privileges. As children get older they should be given more privileges and more responsibilities. For example, older children should be able to go to sleep later because they need less sleep. This acknowledges a child's age, and it gives the younger children something to look forward to.
2. Being "fair" doesn't mean that everyone gets the same- it means that everyone should get what he or she needs. This means that if one child needs a new pair of shoes, you shouldn't go out and buy shoes for everyone else. This is a very important lesson to give over to your children.
3. Everyone equals no one. Try to pay attention to how many times you treat your children as a group. "Everyone into the car... Everyone, it's time to go to sleep now... Everyone, come eat!"

With these guidelines in mind, here are a few tips on how to make each child feel special:
1. Greet each child individually when they come home from school or when you come home. Here it's important to call them by their names.
2. Have a time in the day when each child knows he can talk to you. Bedtime is usually very good place for this to happen for children eight and under. For this reason you could try staggering the bedtimes so that younger children are put to bed earlier then the older ones and each child can have a private ten minutes with his mother or father.
3. Be aware of what is happening in your child's life, and talk about the things that interest him. Do your kids collect anything? What are their hobbies? What do they enjoy doing? Where are they struggling? Get to know the names of the kids in your four-year-old's preschool class. Ask your ten year old how his test went. This kind of interaction need not take a lot of time; it's the focused attention that's important.
4. Allow for and respect individuality. Leave space for each child to be himself. Though this may seem self-evident, you may be surprised how many times your child's ideas or feelings are stifled because they are in conflict with your own ideas and feelings about life.

In short, the more parents are able to embrace and bring out each child's uniqueness, the more calm and self-assured their children will be.

Learn more about this author, Simi Brown.
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