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Breaking up is so very hard - that's for damn sure. It's especially hard when you've been with and loved someone for years and years and the relationship had been contentious for most of those years. It's like you feel you cannot live without the person even if they've brought nothing but chaos, pain, confusion, stress, betrayal and then some - into your life. I think that's what's known as co-dependency.

I had been thinking about reasons to not go back and the list goes on and on but, I cannot think of one good reason to go back and try to work things out. What does that tell you? I don't feel like I'm giving up easily and it wasn't just one thing that caused the break-up. For the most part it was everything.

One thing we can't agree on is where did it all start. Obviously, we hadn't worked out the kinks before getting married and we had been together for 12 years before getting married. In my mind I thought marriage would change certain things, it did but, other things got worse. So, now I feel like I'm in a crazy "Catch-22" situation.

I am away from the stress and abuse which has made a hell-of-a difference in my daily life. I am calmer, off the meds, losing weight and attempting to move forward. We've had one conversation about it all and, still I find myself misty-eyed and thinking about him constantly. Writing about the pain, talking about the pain seems to help. But, in my mind I keep wondering how long am I going to feel like I want to be with him in spite of the harsh treatment.

I want it to be 10 years into the future to know where I'll end up. I know that's not possible and the only way through this is to live through it. I'm almost sure 10 years from now we'll be completely divorced from each other legally, mentally and emotionally.

Learn more about this author, Beck Tomlin.
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