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trip to the recording studio to lay down some naughty tracks, for instance, or dinner at a sushi restaurant that seems to last for five minutes, replaced by "drinks and partying" at Michaels' request.

While winners are making out with Michaels in a Hummer limo, or making out with each other in a Hummer limo, the remainder of the troupe are back at the compound, drinking from a fully-stocked bar (there never seems to be any food around, though) and utilizing the built-in stripper pole. Inevitably, someone says something about someone else, it gets blown out of proportion, and wackiness ensues. Big John, Michaels' friend and security manager, is on hand to make sure the glasses hit the wall instead of the silicone, and that no one slips into an alcohol-induced coma.

It's a very healthy environment. There's even a pool.

At the close of the show, the strains of Every Rose Has Its Thorn playing softly in the background, women are systematically booted. They stand on rafters, each in their own intriguing ensemble (there's a lot of glitter and fake eyelashes) and wait to receive a backstage pass that allows them to stay in the zoo a little bit longer.

"Lacey/Brandi/Rodeo/Dal las/Brandi, will you stay in the house and continue to rock my world?" asks Michaels, with a hint of sincerity.

The losers generally walk outside to the waiting confessional cameras, tear-filled and blotchy, to whimper how heartbroken they are or, conversely, to embark on a curse-filled tirade. Both are entertaining.

Are you going to gain I.Q. points via this show, no; in fact, you may lose a few. But watching the Rock of Love ladies get their drink on is considerably healthier for the viewer than partaking in rock star ways, and listening to the contestants refer to each other with names like "Clavicle Jes" and "Circus Hooters" is enough to keep the dog days of summer moving swimmingly along.

And really, we Don't Need Nothin' But a Good Time.

______

The Rock of Love Ladies*:

Bonnie Didn't stay long

Brandi C. Made a porn flick after leaving the show

Brandi M. An early front-runner

Dallas Had a very entertaining beef with Lacey

Erin Was Miss Hooters of Illinois

Faith A quiet beauty therefore, booted early

Heather Keeps things interesting by throwing other chicks under
the bus

Jes Punky blonde, doesn't bond well with the party girls

Jessica One of the women asked to leave before actually opening
their mouths - ouch

Kelly Same for Kelly

Kimberly Same for Kim

Krista Gone too soon to remember

Kristia Go-go dancer who goes by Bond Girl

Lacey PETA activist and metal singer, taunts other contestants
mercilessly (and wonderfully)

Lauren What was she even doing there?

Magdalena At 6' 3", I'm not about to mess with her

Meredith Also gone before she spoke

Mia One of the few brunettes

Pam Eliminated before forming words

Raven Eliminated in episode one, in a blaze of glory

Rodeo Slightly maniacal, lovable mom with a cowboy hat

Samantha The hard-pAArtying member of the group

Tamara Vacant bliss

Tawny Gone in episode 2, hard to remember

Tiffany The famous Tiff- asked to leave in episode one, and came back fighting for two more shows

*Statistics courtesy of blabbermouth.net
*list courtesy of vh1.com

Learn more about this author, Jaclyn C. Stevenson.
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