by Charles Baron

Created on: August 04, 2007

Aside from sixty-year old men still thinking that wearing penny loafers without socks looks good, the retirement of the baby-boomers will fulfill Herbert Hoover's prediction that it would take the New Deal and the welfare state it created about a hundred years to ruin the economy of America.

Today, any reform to head off this fiscal catastrophe that is Social Security, is met with the kicking and screaming of the most selfish generation this or any modern nation has ever seen. The generation that once would not trust anyone over thirty, will today not insure Social Security benefits for anyone under twenty. In their minds, the Kennedy assassination and the attempts at Social Security privatization are part of the same conspiracy.

Even more depressing is the fate awaiting Medicare. Rest assured, the "me" generation wants to live forever and in the process will bankrupt the system. A.A.R.P.'s membership demographics are now changing from the "greatest generation" to the generation of the Great Society. Guess who's going to pick up the check?

The choice is simple: Are we going to solidify America's role as an economic superpower for generations to come, or are we going to have to look at bad hair pieces for the next fifty years? I offer two proposals.

The first option is the "Soilent Green" program. Yes...we actually eat them. It won't be difficult. We simply lure them to the "collection" centers by offering plastic surgery benefits on their Medicare part B coverage. Once inside, we relax them by piping in some Joni Mitchell songs and George McGovern speeches. Then we send them to that great lava lamp in the sky. With the country's corn supply now threatened by ethanol production, this is a viable alternative food supply. Don't worry, all trans-fatty oils will be removed before processing.

The second option is the "Logan's Run" program. Once the boomer's entitlement benefits surpass their payroll deductions, their mood rings will start to blink. At this time they must report to "carousel" where they will have the option of having their heads frozen along with Timothy Leary. Maybe scientists in the future can re-animate them and ask why they would burn a perfectly good bra.

These sound like drastic measures, and they are. But the time has come for young Americans to stand up and be counted. "Death to Aquarius" is our cry. Our goal? We want to save The United States from fiscal ruin and, once and for all, end the war in Vietnam!

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