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Faculty
What does the faculty do? Everybody knows what teachers do, but what about the faculty? What goes on behind the doors of the office?

Almost nothing. That is the answer to all of those questions. Behind the doors of the office, almost nothing goes on. Anxious parents try to call the office only to be put through an automated answering system. "Press 1 for emergency school closings." "Press 2 for delays." "Press 3 for poison control center" "Press 4 for the suicide hotline." Etc. and finally after three other choices, they hear a "press *(static)* to reach the main office." The parents think that there was a mistake with the phone and call them again. After the huge menu, they hear the static again. Little do they know that the office rigged the automated system in order to minimize the amount of calls they receive. Most parents stop after one more call. However, the ones that don't stop continue dialing away and after many calls, they find out that the number to reach the office was 0. The menu started with 1 just to trick you into not guessing zero. After finally reaching one of the secretaries, they reply "Don't ask me, I just work here!"

The office is also the location of the principal and the assistant principals' offices. The principal is usually not in his office because he's outside playing golf or gardening or dozing off in community education meetings. However, there's something very peculiar about the assistant principal's office. The assistant principals call in troublesome kids. These kids walk in with expressionless faces and walk out with a slip of paper in their hands or a tear in their eye. Why do the assistant principals, A.K.A asses, want the kids in the office? Not because they are troublesome, but because the asses are pedophiles. Why else would they want a low paying and boring job such as being an ass? One of my friends was called down to the office to meet these vile creatures. Later that day, I saw him walking alone to his class. I asked him what happened only to receive a reply, "I feel violated." That was a big incentive for me to stay out of trouble.

The main office contains a more conspicuous series of rooms. These are the rooms of the counselors. Why are they mysterious? They are always locked up - nobody is in there; no counselors, nothing. The school refuses to disclose the actual job of these so-called counselors. These people come in not with a set of papers or a book bag, but with a set of golf clubs. Their job in reality

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