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Dear Aunt Theresa,

I thought maybe I should explain some things. I don't know if anyone really understands it all and I figured you, at least, might understand. Or, at least you might not judge me like everyone else seems to. I've been trying to explain, trying to tell cousin Sara and cousin Ellie what happened, but I just can't. It's so hard to go back through it, to relive it. I tried to forget but it's hard to. It's really hard. And I really wanted to forget, too. I really did.

To be honest, I'm afraid. I know there's not much time left. I feel weak all the time now. All the time. I didn't realize it would take over my body so quickly but, I seem to be rather susceptible to it. I'm susceptible to everything now. I keep thinking back to the day I got the phone call, to the day when my whole world changed.

She told me over the phone, Angie Lopez from Carter BloodCare. She didn't even seem to care that much. She just said, "Carrie Robinson, you tested positive for the human immunodeficiency virus test." She sounded bored, even, like she made these phone calls all day long. I didn't know what to say or do or think. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even know where I would have gotten it. I just couldn't believe it.

I dropped the phone that day and broke it. I remember Alyssa freaking out when I sat down and just started to cry and then Mom ran into the room, wondering what all the fuss was about.

I didn't want to tell anyone what I'd just found out. I just wanted to keep it a secret. But...I couldn't. I couldn't. I had to tell my parents, I had to to get treatment. Otherwise...I knew I would die. So, I told her. Actually, I didn't tell her right then. I excused myself and stayed up in my room for hours, until after dinner. I spent some time praying and talking to God and...He didn't give me an answer about it, but...I guess it was just comfort knowing He loved me no matter what.

After that, I was able to face Mom and Dad with the truth. It was still hard...man, it was hard...I could hardly breathe...but, I knew, somehow, God was working this thing out.

I still remember the way Mom and Dad looked when I told them what Angie Lopez from Carter BloodCare had told me. I still remember. Their faces...they were so disappointed. I almost couldn't stand to look at them. They wanted to know how it had happened, what I was hiding. And, I told them everything.

I let it spill, all about Brett, about the party I went to with Cecil on July 14, 2004. I wasn't trying to be bad. It wasn't

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