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almost-usual, which is good enough for me, and I know God doesn't really care if I've been praying for years or seconds, but I remember stuff like this without even being asked, it comes with the territory of being a genius I guess.

Guess...

Guess where I go when I want to talk to God for a long time, I go to the beach and walk and pretend like I'm a hermit crab who has to carry around all this stuff with her, but then I give God my shell, and it always feels better cause I know he's got everything under control, being the Creator of the universe and all. So, that's where I go now, carrying the knife even, and I decide that it's not really the type of shell I want to be carrying around, so I stop for a moment so I can fling the knife into the sea, I hear a splash and watch it sink to the bottom, maybe someone who wants it will find it. I don't want it, not any more, I don't want to live like that any longer, hurting myself all the time for no reason at all, no reason at all when God's got a handle on it.

God...

God and I have a little talk and I think we're starting to understand each other now, not that he didn't understand me before, but it's more like I finally get him, after years of denying his existence, I finally understand him just a little bit. It makes me feel better when I take my walks with God and unload on him, it's way better than venting on Alex, though that has its place and everything, but Alex doesn't know what to do with me when I talk like that, and even though God doesn't really talk back, the silence isn't all awkward and he doesn't try to act like it's no big deal, even though he's horrified. I'm sure he's seen worse than I have, being omnipresent and everything, and I know he understands my feelings even more than I do, he even created my dad, though I can barely believe that, and he loves him, I do, too, you know, but it's not as hard for God, I'm sure, since he's all-loving and I'm sure if my dad ever thought about God or Jesus as more than an expletive, then I'd see him in a different light, too. He'd be so different if he ever asked Jesus into his life.

Different...

I talk about different things with my God, my Jesus on the way home, I'm over the whole flashback at this point, since I mulled over it a long time and the knife's gone, so there are no more reminders, I don't know why I kept it in the first place. I pray about my daddy, about his salvation, maybe, I'm not like one of those people who harbors so much anger that they can't stand the thought of something good happening to the person who did them wrong, I want my dad to get better so he can have what I have now.

Now...

Now that I'm done with talking about my dad, I talk to God about Alex, the feelings for him that have risen in me, I don't understand it. I don't want love or anything like that, I'm not the romantic I used to be, reading Romeo and Juliet every few months and mulling over Pride and Prejudice every summer, those things aren't real priorities now. Alex doesn't feel the same way, though, Katrina says so, and I believe her, but I don't want to hurt him, so I tell God all this, and how I want things to stay like they are and I think we've reached an understanding once again. And I figure that whatever happens with all of that, God knows what he's doing and I almost hear him whisper in my head. I hear him say to me, I've got you covered.

I hear...

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