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the blood comes from. I feel myself letting my mind go so that maybe I can black out, it's something my body has learned to do under extreme stress, black out so that I don't have to take any more, I can just sleep, maybe for a few minutes, maybe for the rest of time, I never know when I plunge into the darkness, nor do I care any longer. I just want to fall, fall into it.

Fall...

I fall onto the hard floor, which is strange since I was already on the floor, a crashing sound echoes in my ears, which is hardly strange since the beatings are always accompanied by crashing sounds, maybe he broke my guitar this time, I'll kill him if he did. The room's different again, I can smell beach and I suddenly feel like a hermit crab. I hear Alex's voice, it's him this time, really, and he's close by, over me, why am I on the floor, he wonders the same thing that I do. He's kneeling by me, I can see the tears in his eyes, he was really afraid for a minute, I can tell, he doesn't cry all that often, though more often than Andrew or Jason. They never cry, ever.

Cry...

I begin to cry hard, I can barely breathe, and it hurts to, even when I can, like a knife slashing through my chest, I can't bear the pain. Alex asks what's wrong when he sees the tears and I stammer around an answer, though I know I need to unload on someone, anyone, so I tell him the truth after awhile, about what happened, it seems so real still and I can't quite tell if it really did happen yet. He hugs me, he loves me I think, but I don't ask since I can't bear that, I don't think, I'm too wounded, plus he doesn't understand my beliefs and convictions, so it's a bad match, me and him. I don't tell Alex about the knife, that I still have it with me, that I'm tempted to use it all the time now. I don't say a word about the hunting knife.

The knife...

I take the knife out after he leaves my room, and like usual, I stare at it, remembering how it felt to cut into myself, what a release it was, how much better it made me feel. Like usual, I talk to God, though actually, it's not really usual, it's a new thing for me, I didn't used to believe in God because I didn't have a reason to, but I figure he's saved my life enough times for me to at least give him the credit of existing, but it's still not a usual thing since a usual is built up over time and I've only really been praying and studying the Bible for a couple of weeks, so it's not a usual. But I've been doing it for a little while, so I figure it's an

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