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Ah, Prom. As this magical night comes up every spring, it's good for us boys to remember that this is no longer the 1910's where women weren't allowed to vote. This isn't even 1940, when women were pretty much barred from the workplace. Hello! Sexist pigs, it's the 21st century. No longer is this a time to coddle women and treat them unequally. They can vote, they can work, and they're even allowed to drive. Don't pamper your girl with flowery gifts and sweet phrases; it only helps to make them become even more dependent and rob them of their hard-earned freedom. And we sure as heck don't want to see any dependent girls anymore. We're all about equality. Really. We are.

First things first. We're going to play a word association game. We say flowers. Did you think roses? Hey, you chauvinistic wife beater, the girls are equal to guys now. Do guys like flowers? Yeah, didn't think so. What better way to show that you support women's rights and care about them than to buy them a complete fifty piece tool set to ask them to Prom? Or even an RC racer, or an issue of Maxim. You could even play some romantic, lovey-dovey song with your armpit! Romantic courtship was soooo 18th century. Nowadays, you try to woo a girl with words and you'll just get slapped with sexual harassment charges. It's money that does the talking in the fast-paced information age and women want every part of it. Give it to 'em.

During the dance, be sure to make the girls open the doors for themselves. What would they do if they grew up, unable to open doors for themselves? Why, someday in their mid-thirties, they could be trapped in an icy Alaskan tundra and unable to get into the nice, warm lodge because no one is around to open the door for them! When you come back for your ten year reunion and find out Mary Ann froze to death in the icy Alaskan tundras because you created a dependent, freedom crippled woman, you'll feel guilty. Until you find out they're serving spiked punch. Other sexist "customs" that only cripple the female's ability to fend for herself include laying down your coat over puddles, open and closing car doors, pulling out their chair for dinner, and carrying them into the hotel room.

Since women's rights are important in this totally politically correct, unisex Prom, we suggest you keep in mind that you should use person as often as possible. Don't tip the bellboy, tip the bellperson. Don't talk about how you're a ladies man. You're a person's person now (if that claim was even true, which we highly doubt). Got in trouble with the policeman over Prom? Hey, sicko. It's police-person. Get it right, pig dog. And always remember boys, it's not menstrual cycle, it's the "personstrual" cycle.

At the end, it is customary to kiss the girl. Well, in this age of equality between the sexes, guys shouldn't kiss the girl. For one thing, we don't want guys kissing us, and since girls are equal to guys, you get the picture. Best thing to do? Slap them on the back, punch them in the arm repeatedly, maybe even throw in a reference to a bodily function or make fun of their mom. They deserve to be treated as equals, so treat them like one.

Follow our advice, and most likely, the girl will fall all over you. Girls can't resist a man who cares about women's rights and equalities. Hey, they fought long and hard for this equality; it's only fair we grant it to them. After all, according to the 19th amendment, women gain the right to being punched in the arm, too. Or maybe vote. We can never remember which.

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