In the tradition of George W. Bush, Ray Kroc and the Marlboro Man, I find myself inspired to wave the flag of one of America's first heroes, Christopher Columbus.

Christopher Columbus was one of the baddest dudes of the 15th century. He was the first to theorize that the world was not flat, but was in fact a circle. He was also one of the first to point out that although they called it the 15th century, it was still only the 1400's. Thusly, in 1492 Columbus took the next logical step given the ripe conditions; he became the world's first pirate.

"Arrr...the world be circle!" Columbus would often say. And if you denied it, he would make you walk the plank.

Even though he was Italian, Columbus liked to vacation in Spain, mainly because he was good friends with the Queen, Isabella Rossellini. Little known to most, Isabella was the first to start the trend of Letting Them Eat Cake. (This phrase is often mistakenly attached to Mario Andretti, the famous French Revolutionary race car driver).

The Queen was eccentric, often known to wear a tri-cornered hat and force people to eat cake. "Arrr..." she would say, "...eat cake or walk the plank!" This was the beginning of the persecution that became known as "The Spanish Questionnaire", which consisted of the following:

1. "Do you think the world is flat or circle? Check (a) for flat or (b) for circle.

2. "Do you eat cake?" Check (a) for yes or (b) for no.

3. "Do you enjoy tri-cornered hats? Check (a) for yes, (b) for no or (c) for frequently.

Obviously, Columbus and the Queen became friends because of her plank-walking values. They were often known to gather up people who had the plague and make them walk the plank since they were done for anyway. (Thomas Jefferson was only an infant at the time and had not yet invented penicillin). "Arrr...the catchin' of the plague...that's a plank walkin'!" That's what the Queen and Columbus would say.

Eventually the population of Europe had been decimated because of so much plague and plank-walking that is attributed the Spanish Questionnaire. Thus, the Queen said to Columbus, "Arrr...find more people for the plank-walkin'...and pick up some spices in India while yer at it...it makes the cake taste better!" So Columbus tightened his eye patch, put a parrot on his shoulder (he was also the first to do this) and boarded his pirate-steam ship with all of his mateys.

After a long time at sea without any Dramamine (again, Thomas Jefferson had not invented

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