All this started when I was in my early 20's. Shoulder strain was the first diagnosis. Physical therapy was ordered. I did that, several times. It worked for a while then the pain and numbness always came back. When I was 25 I was told I had thoracic outlet syndrome. There was a vein, artery and nerve getting pinched against a rib every time I lifted my arm over my head causing my pulse to go away. It kind of felt neat - find my pulse with my arm down and then keep your finger there while I raised up my arm. Sci-fi-ish. In 1996 I had a right first rib resection. They took out the first rib. "This will make all your problems go away!", "The numbness on the back side of your arm will go away in time." It's now 12 years later and I'm still in pain and the numbness hasn't gone away.

To add insult to injury I have been told I now have a herniated disk at L5-S1. Hey, now we know why my left leg keeps going numb whenever I stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes. I went to see a neurosurgeon and he was great. Spent quite a bit of time going over my MRI with me. If you look at the herniated disk it kind of looks like Mickey Mouse. This round spot with two little bulges on each side. The right one is compressing the nerve root and the left one is just "near" the nerve root. "Go have this EMG done and in a week come back and we'll talk about surgery," he says. Great, someone is going to fix me! Have the EMG done. I don't know if you've had one of these done before but it's mild electrocution. Zapping you for the good of medicine. You tolerate it because the doctor says he's going to fix you. I go back to the doctor a week after this procedure was done and it's not the same doctor I saw in the first place. The one I saw is "out of the office for the next month". "Your EMG is normal, no nerve damage is being done. I'm just going to send you for pain shots." I've already had one, it didn't work. "Well, there's nothing we can do for you then."

Great - hopes up, crash again. I'm on 4 different pain medications a day and one that is for depression and pain. They aren't working very well any more. In four days I won't have health insurance anymore. I'm on the sliding fee scale at my doctors office. That means $10.00 for appointments and $5.00 for medications - IF they are covered. Paying out of pocket my medications cost $400.00 per month. The two that I know aren't covered total half of that. I don't know what's going to happen now.

On a good day you would only have to cut me off at the belly button to get rid of the pain. On a bad day decapitation would be better. This is both medical and mental. If my medical pain would go away my mental outlook on life would be better.

Learn more about this author, Megan Janes-Smith.
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