by Elaine Sihera

Created on: July 24, 2007

Familiarisation and Compatibility in a Relationship

At some point, about two to four years into the partnership (but it could be earlier, if a child is on the scene) disillusion creeps in. This is the beginning of the end for most relationships as they begin the downward slide to a break-up. That is why, if we allow the development of this stage to its ultimate conclusion, the average marriage in the UK lasts seven to nine years while in the USA it's only three to five years. This stage usually has two parts: fierce tension at the beginning, to cope with constantly being around a new person and fulfilling their expectations, followed by a gradual accommodation as each partner learns to cope with the other. This familiarisation stage is perfectly normal, representing a sort of buyer's remorse'. Suddenly one morning, instead of just sparring with your partner, you'll really want to hurt them emotionally without understanding why!

The familiarisation stage is the second most important one in the development of relationships. It brings the couple down to earth with a bang from the heady emotional days of romance. There is now a need for commitment, stability, individuality and, of course, power. Being together is based upon choice, not just need, which gives the couple unlimited time to get to know each other intimately. Familiarity brings its own rewards, as well as its problems, because this is the time when you learn that the superhuman, perfect person you've been with is just a human being after all. You almost have to fall out of romance to fall into real love a case of ditching Superman and his warm protective cape for the more solid Clark Kent with his nerdy specs!

This stage has a lot of emotional barriers relating to the baggage' each person brings to the partnership, so the key invisible destructive forces each brings to the union will remain just that invisible for a little while longer. But both people will be more relaxed because there won't be such a need to be on their guard or to be striving to please each other all the time. Boundaries will be tested as true feelings and personal habits are gradually revealed. While this bonding stage is more secure, expectations are higher and become more defined.

Regret at Being in a Relationship
The first part of this familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing

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