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I can hardly contain my excitement at finding this topic, whose club I believe I should be the official president of. Up until four years ago, I wanted to be friends with every darn human I met. I was like that mixed-breed of puppy in the shelter smiling, tongue out, tail wagging hoping you'd pick me and take me home. Long story short, I come from a dysfunctional, broken home (yeah I know, who doesn't), where we all became adults and ran for the hills away from each other. After a few years of failed holiday reunions we made the unspoken, collective decision to remain out of touch.

So out in the big, wide world, I spent many years trying to recreate a family of my own through the friends I met. There's a saying: god takes care of fools and babies. At times throughout my life I certainly fit into both categories. Lucky for me that among the zillions of people on the planet lecherous, generous, and in between there came into my life, angels. Four years ago I met and married one of them (second marriage, of course).

At first, loyal doggie that I am, I made a declaration at the start of my marriage: my friends are very important to me, therefore do not expect me to give them up! But then as my life began its new turn, unfolding like a rose and smelling like one too, the friends that I was so vigilant about protecting began speaking to me in staccato and looking at me as one might stare at a piece in a museum. Those were hints enough, but I needed to be clobbered awake by things blunt and heavy. They were things like veiled insults towards my husband ("gosh, my husband and I were laughing just the other day about the way your husband gets all gushy when he speaks of how you two met"). There were veiled insults to me ("gosh, I can't stand the thought of my husband hanging all over me every where we go. I mean really, holding hands are for teenagers!") Another hint, the awkward silences when, while chatting on the phone, I shared some good news about my daughters or my family as a group.

Finally I thump my hand's heel to my forehead. Hello?! Some of these women are not your friends! Discussing this very topic at dinner a few weeks ago with friends - another happily married couple - the husband asked me: "But Maria, exactly how do you end the friendships? Do you talk with them and explain it?" I'll say here what I said to him then: I pack my bags and go stealthily into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. Translation: I let the phone call from that person go to voicemail and I do not return their calls. It usually only takes a few weeks for them to realize the friendship is over and we move on with our separate lives. Trust me, all parties eventually get over it.

We are adults. Other than our to our spouses and/or children, we should NOT be giving "talks" to each other about how to conduct oneself so that one is less offensive or less rude. Just as we routinely reassess where we are with careers, bills, investments, etc., we should also reassess who we have as friends. Determine if each one is adding value or causing a drain. Eliminate the drains. Four years ago I had 15 friends, thinking myself safely connected to 15 households. I was wrong: there was nothing safe about having all those connections. Today I have three marvelous friends from the original 15 and two new marvelous friends as part of my circle. Besides these great friends and my wonderful family, there is nothing else I need.

Learn more about this author, Maria Archer.
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