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Losing a parent is difficult no matter how old we are when it happens. My son was nine years old when his father died of cancer after a two-year battle, so it did not happen suddenly or unexpectedly. My husband was in the hospital for three months having a bone marrow transplant and for the last three weeks he was on a ventilator. We kept nothing secret from my son-he was told every step of the way what was happening and what the outcome might be. Despite that, when the end finally came it was a surprise to my son and he said, "I never thought it would happen." Isn't that the way it is for all of us? No matter how prepared we may be for the death of a loved one, we still don't want to believe it will ever happen.

At age nine, my son understood the permanence of death. His grandfather and his very first pet had both died the year before. We had done lots of talking about his father's illness, especially during the last three weeks as we spent a lot of time at the hospital. I think talking about death and the loved one who is dying or has died is very important. Allowing children to ask questions, share memories, and express their emotions about the situation is helpful. We had two memorial services for my husband-one immediately after his death in the town where we lived and one a month later in his hometown. The first service I planned to be kid-oriented specifically for my son. Several relatives and co-workers were there but we also invited some of my son's friends. We set up a table with pictures of my husband and put out some of his "gagdets" so that after the service my son had lots to talk about and share with his friends.

In the months that followed, I never hesitated to mention my husband to my son. Comments such as, "Your dad would have liked that," or "I remember when your dad..." were common in our discussions. As the years have gone by those types of comments are fewer, but they still enter our discussions every once in a while. His father is still a part of my son's life.

For one of the first Christmases after our loss, I gave my son a special gift. I went through our family photos and found all the pictures of just him and his dad. I put a big selection of them in a framed collage and then put the remainder of them in a large photo album. My favorite picture of the two of them, taken when my son was about two years old has been enlarged and hangs lovingly on our living room wall.

Hopefully, by allowing my son to talk about his father and to keep him a part of our lives even if in only a small way, I have given him the ability to cope with the loss in a healthy way.

Learn more about this author, Molly Jasinsky.
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