In all seriousness - and this is a little scary - I have given this idea much thought in the past. As my work involves working in remote areas I have always wanted a durable "survival phone", something that lessens all the gadgets I have to sometimes move about with in the bush.
Nokia came out with a small hard covered semi shock resistant phone a few years back which helpfully encourporated a little LED torch. What I would like is something a little more serious. Lets see a utility phone that has the following:

Super strength LED powered torch able to illuminate a focused beam.
1) An extendible arial system either detachable or a part of the phone that can be easily used to boost signal in remote areas.
2) Inbuilt digital compass and or GPS digital compass would be cheaper.
3) Thermometer and altimeter.
4) Palm pilot ability that can store maps, and other uselfull information on fauna and flora and survival tips, encluding first aid advise and CPR instructions.
5) A resonable digital camera with accompaning user friendly software.
6) A serious shock resistant case that is also seriously water proof!
Basic e-mail capability.

This phone will be a little bulky but for outdoors people this will not matter.

7) A proper durable pouch that will last years, you could even collaborate with a company like Leatherman to make a accompaning utility tool that shares the survival phones pouch.

8) Rechargible REAL batteries - This thing will chew up battey power, but that's ok, make a big battery for longer life - maybe Lithium, yes portability is important but for outdoors people having something a little bulky will be perfectly acceptable - whats going to sell this is the fact that it has all of this stuff!

You could develope this idea to encorporate everthing under the sun but cost would make it unviable - some Sat phones also operate as cellular phones as they also take a sim card and register automatically if they are recieving cellular signal. You could have a super model for the few who need such devices, but a standard super survival cellular phone would be more than suffice for most people and would be very popular. Someone please, pleeeeez - read this and make one, I'm happy to help with R&D and would only want $5 after tax's etc from each one sold. (pretty reasonable really)

Learn more about this author, Nick Lynch.
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