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So many people write about grief and how they cope with the loss of a loved one. Terms such as "losing my soul mate" and "a part of me was missing" are sometimes used to describe their feelings. "Independence" is the word that comes to my mind, now some eight years after my husband died. We were married for 14 years and had one child together, but our marriage was not very stable and our relationship was not in the best of shape when he was diagnosed with cancer. It is often said that tragedy can bring you closer, but for us, it did not. I wouldn't say it tore us apart, but any problems that our marriage had at that time certainly did not go away.

As the cancer progressed and my husband endured nearly 2 years of treatments and setbacks, it became apparent that if he survived, several things were quite possible: he would probably continue to have medical complications for the rest of his life, and our financial situation would get worse and worse. These things would have been harmful to the well-being of our marriage.

When my husband died, I grieved his loss-I did still love him, but not in that all-consuming way which seems to leave so many widows completely devastated. After some time had passed and I was able to shake the horrible memories of the illness, I began to remember our early years together. Special moments we had together would surface and my grief began to take on a new form. It became deeper-I was mourning the loss of what we used to have, and it even grew into mourning for what we could have had "if only" so many things in our lives had not intruded.

As the grief dissipated, a sense of freedom began to overtake me. I relished being able to make certain decisions on my own without having to give in to his way-the "right way"-of doing things, and life was definitely calmer without the frequent arguing. I discovered that I could handle most situations that arose and if I couldn't, I could find the help that I needed. This sense of independence was very refreshing.

Within the next year, my son and I moved across the United States to live back near where I had grown up and be close to my family. This was an exciting, and not a scary prospect-I saw it as the start of a whole new life. My anthem for the journey was "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks.

In the years since my husband's death I have not dated anyone, although occasionally I get the desire for companionship. I then remember how much I enjoy my freedom and wonder if I really want to give that up. I also think about the grief I did experience with a loved one who was not my "soul mate" and I dread the possibility of suffering an even greater loss if I ever did find that person.

Learn more about this author, Molly Jasinsky.
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