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It's difficult to know where to begin this review; it's a bit like describing a black hole. I'm not certain precisely what I expected this film to be like, but I'm fairly sure that I thought it would be...something. Sadly it is easier to tell you what the film is NOT. Not funny, not clever, not self-aware (in the style of Eli Roth), not scary, suspenseful, well-acted or written and....good gravy, not even GORY. Call me an optimist, but I held out some hope (despite indicators to the contrary), if for no other reason than that an actual TALENTED PERSON (Roland Joffe, Oscar-nominated director of THE KILLING FIELDS) was in part responsible for it.

Perhaps I should preface the remainder of this review with the disclaimer that I am a certified horror movie geek- but I am NOT a horror movie snob. (A subtle, yet very important distinction in that I appreciate all types of horror from Troma-style trash to more cerebral thrillers/shockers, though for distinctly different reasons.) Now that that's out of the way, you should know that even I could find nothing redeeming in this film.

Captivity follows a decidedly vapid model, Jennifer, from her kidnapping at a nightclub where she sips martinis with her foo-foo dog to a basement, replete with Saw-esque torture room, where she is held captive. She is tortured- or in some cases just really IRRITATED- in a variety of unimaginative ways, for no discernible reason. Her captor slides her keys that open up lockers holding outfits for her to wear while she paces around her cell. (You read that correctly. She dresses in random- honestly not terribly sexy- outfits for no reason.) The editing and pacing are choppy and disorienting. I am assuming that this is an accident of story or lack of, and not an artistic choice, as the pacing certainly does not add to the non-existent story, nor serve to heighten non-existent suspense. Throughout the first half of the film, Jennifer is tortured for about two minutes, drugged and then sleeps for long periods. There is a whole lotta sleeping going on. The cycle is repeated for approximately 45 minutes.

Then the cycle is broken with the obligatory twist. This is not a spoiler- if you have EVER seen a horror film (hell, any film), telling you that she discovers that she is not being held alone, but has a male cell neighbor is sufficient information for you to predict the remainder of the plot.

The second half of the film plays as an entirely different (albeit equally bad) film, shifting form 'torture-horror' to 'last-girl-survival-thriller'. The action moves from the basement dungeon to the house above as Jennifer finally begins to put together the pieces of the puzzle.

You won't care whether she lives or dies. I myself cared substantially more about her poor little foo-foo dog. I enjoy a bit of silly mindless horror fun much more than the average film-goer. This one is mindless to be sure, but that's about it.

Learn more about this author, Dayna Noffke.
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