by Michael Raymond

Created on: July 19, 2007   Last Updated: May 21, 2009

Phrench Phried Physics

Why is it that the number of fries I get to eat is never equivalent to
a complete order? Or, to give this a more scientific name:
Observation and Partial Analysis of the Variable Disappearance
Rate of Deep Fried Potato Slices. Is this phenomenon the
layman's proof positive of black holes? Does it provide visible
evidence for quarks and confirmation of true anti-matter particles,

thus bringing us another degree closer to an all encompassing theory
of the origin of the universe? Or is it something more akin to a
magician's sleight of hand?

This anomaly of french fries simply winking out of existence, though
frequently encountered, appears to have been either completely forgotten
or willingly ignored since the very beginnings of the scientific method.
I am unable to determine which condition provides the most appropriate
description since I have been entirely unsuccessful at uncovering any
previous research regarding this matter.

Following are just three sets of the many experiments I have conducted
into this burgeoning science of Phrench Phried Physics.

Forming A Hypothesis

I was seated with two companions at a restaurant in the mall where my
store was located. As a control measure, I had absolutely no idea what
either of them had ordered. My order was a Monte Cristo sandwich and
french fries. Shortly after our food was delivered, I excused myself to
retrieve some important papers from my store. On my return, I immediately
noticed that the volume of the french fries on my plate was considerably
reduced from what it had been originally.

Curious, but not yet alarmed, I inquired of the
waitress as to the weight of an order of fries before serving. She,
looking at me as if I had lost my mind, indicated that she had absolutely
no idea, especially since there is no record of any prior research into this
subject, what I was asking, but helpfully suggested that I ask the cook,
who was sure to know. This astute piece of advice turned out to be the crux
of this entire investigation, and the clue that ultimately led to my
hypothesis, additional experiments and my conclusions.

From interrogating the cook, I determined that the original weight was two
ounces. Ignoring the strident protests of the waitress, the thoroughly
interrogated cook, and the manager, I hurriedly scooped up the remaining
potatoes and dumped them onto the nearest scale. There was only a single ounce!
Half of the original volume had disappeared,

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