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Missing the ones I loved

In life we have different ideas of death, and different experiences with death. I always felt sad for those who had lost a loved one.I usually made comments to the people who were the survivors like I know it hurts, you must be strong for your mother or father, or it will just take time.

As many times as I have made these comments, did I really know what it felt like to lose someone close to me? No, I didn't, however, I understand now what someone could go through experiencing death of a loved one. No two people handle the death and dying process alike.

Approximately eleven years ago, my mom called me in the early morning hours to help her get my dad up from the floor. He had fallen due to weakness in his lower extremities. He had a history of thrombocytopenia, which required his blood transfusions to be administered every three to four weeks.

We lifted my dad up and put him back in the bed. I checked him out and there was no obvious injury from the fall. I suggested for me to get him to the hospital and he agreed because he was in so much pain. There was no way for me to get him down stairs and into the vehicle, so I called the ambulance service. He was transferred to a hospital approximately thirty miles away. This is where his physician was located therefore he always used this hospital.

I rode with him in the ambulance and the ride was rough and my father complained of severe generalized pain. I was hoping then I could take his pain away from him. He was admitted to the hospital because his thrombocytopenia had progressed into full blown leukemia. I was thinking to myself, they were going to give him blood transfusions and everything would be like it was in the past.

In the past he would receive two to three units of blood and go home and feel so much better. Not this time. Approximately two hours after he was brought to the emergency room is when I was told it was leukemia and approximately ten hours later I was told he had approximately three weeks to live. This is when reality set in.

I was at the hospital by myself with him because my brother was taking care of my mom who didn't feel well with all of her medical problems and my sister was in a city approximately two hours away. When my father's primary physician took me out into the hall and told me what the prognosis was, I felt like I was in a bad dream. In my mind I thought this can not really be happening. Not my father. The doctor asked if we wanted to take all measures to keep

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