How To Have Fun At A Funeral, Without Really Trying

Funerals are great, aren't they? Every time I have an attack of low self-esteem, I wish I could have one. Before you call any hot lines or offer me a trip to a Crisis Center, let me explain. Funerals are the only time I know that the worst sinners in town are compared to Mother Teressa. An adulterous person becomes someone who had an active social life, an abusive person becomes someone who liked to "rough house" with the kids, and an alcoholic becomes a "social drinker."

Living in a small town and having a large family, means that most of my weekends are spent in mourning. But, recently I learned a few tricks to make the next funeral you attend your best one yet.
The first thing you need to do is learn the lingo. You have heard of reading between to lines, well, at a funeral you have to listen between the lines. When someone speaks about how the deceased enjoyed being a father, it could mean that they had several illegitimate children. And if you hear that he was a hard worker, well he had to be to support all those kids running around town with ears that stick out like his.
If she was a "loving" person, it could mean that $50 might get you more loving than $20. And if he was a "good dresser," it could mean there was a reason he could recite the dialog from all of Judy Garland's movies.
Speaking of good dressers, another way to have fun at a funeral is to look at what the deceased is wearing. The way that person is dressed can speak volumes about the surviving members of the family. For instance, if a person is dressed in a powder blue, polyester, leisure suit (and it is not the 70's), may mean that his family has nothing to feel guilty about. But, if a family takes out a loan on the house to pay for a designer suit, more than likely, they have something to hide. In this situation, the funeral goers should pay close attention to the compliments about the family for the juiciest gossip.
Funeral music can be a lot of fun, also. It is interesting to see just how desperate that person is to get into heaven, by the choice of songs. Just because you have to sing Beulah Land and Amazing Grace after every prayer, does not necessarily mean that the deceased lead a religious life. And take note, if you ever hear songs penned by Willie Nelson or George Jones, it could mean that the deceased had deep-rooted mental problems.
I hope you have fun at your next funeral, but if you don't, remember as you sit through the prayers, songs, eulogy, and the grave service, there is always food afterwords.

Learn more about this author, Cody M. Green.
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