by Jimmy Ettele

Created on: July 13, 2007

Most of us, living our mundane, middle to low class existences grab our weekly tabloids and get our fill of which Hollywood "bad girl" is off to rehab or the bighouse next. Our twisted fascination with the life and times of people who are famous for either mediocre talent or no talent whatsoever keeps us riveted to our Star and US Weekly. It also invites our inevitable opinion to be heard when one of these women and men get into a spot of trouble.

Nicole Richie...please step up. But why? Why is it that the Nancy Grace's of the world have this poor, almost 2 dimensionally thin young lady pegged as a jailbird? We have automatically declared her guilty when her hearing/trial has not even taken place. Has anyone bothered to ask Ms. Richie what happened? Granted she admitted to being on prescription drugs and pot when the cops pulled her over going the wrong way up the freeway but that could have happened to anyone. And how do we know she wasn't method acting in the attempts to get herself a role on a Lifetime movie?

Besides, who thinks jail will do anything but cement her bone protruding image into our televisions 24/7? "Trusted" news-makers will run it as front page news. We'll see her on the same clips for the entire time a trial and potential jail run will last. Then she'll find God, that is if he's not too busy with Paris clubbing it on the strip? We'll of course have the obligatory interview post-incarceration, the photos and paparazzo's clamoring to see how she looks. Like Paris, she could create her own line of clothing whilst in the pen and upon her release show them off for all the cameras present.

Putting it simply...jail has lost it's edge. Sitting in a private room, doing telephone interviews with Barbara Walters and "reading" the Bible (still trying to figure out a favorite passage and more importantly figure out what a passage is) doesn't have the same kick as, let's say, general population. Weigh it out. Not having a mirror...using a mirror as a shiv in the shower? Sitting in an 8x8 room by yourself...sitting in an 8x8 room with a 300lbs angry, sexually agressive, undereducated woman? If you want to put the fear of god into these blasphemous Hollywood Gen-Yers, throw them in with 30 to lifers. See if they'll have time to text Barbara when their new girlfriend (and I mean girlfriend) has them collecting cigarettes from the other inmates.

Then again, we have a better chance at seeing Jesus return to Earth than Nicole and her bunch do real time. So just say "no" to jail. For Nicole or any of them. You want to punish them? Make them wear clothes from WalMart, eat 3 meals a day without vomiting, take away their credit cards, and don't let them wear any makeup. We have to make sure their pictures are taken constantly as this happens so images of them as "one of us" may be beamed across the globe. Jail is old news. As dated as jelly bracelets and mini-dogs as pets. Since we aren't willing to give them punishments most of us would receive, creativity is the key to their rehabilitation. Keep Nicole out of jail!

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