Ever have one of those days where it feels like everything you do is wrong? Or rather, that you're unable to do anything right?

It happens to me on occasion... normally I can feel it coming on. Supreme feelings of inadequacy, everything I do fails, everything I touch turns to dust... that sort of thing.

But not today. Oh no, not today.

I woke early, fully rested. The sun shining brightly, birds singing a lovely tune...no indication whatsoever of the ominous clouds looming above my head.

It started to hit me shortly after I learned that I am too much of a threat to be around. I am, apparently, that person your mother warned you about. "I can't go if she goes." Okay. Great. I can slap on a smile and send you off saying 'have fun' with no problem at all.... But I've been trapped in my head ever since.

I'm looking at my life and the relationships I've built and everything seems to be falling apart. I don't see anyone that can honestly be defined as happy. I see friendships failing. I see mangled emotions. I see individual struggles and sit back and watch from a distance. I watch because there is nothing I can do, no advice that I can give, to make anyone actually hear what I have to say. I have a voice that can be heard to no one but me.

I seem to be comfortable living in the walls that I've built with the help of others. Maybe that's the problem, I am comfortable in this dwelling place. Comfortable, but not happy. I'm comfortable in my walls, my mold, my cage. I meet all of the expectations. I perform well here. But I'm not anything that I want to be.

Maybe that's why I come with a warning label.

So, how do I break out? How do I make changes that will get me to where I want to be? How do I break through walls without damaging character? How do I reach that place within myself where I can see clearly?

I write. I write for who I am and who I want to be. I write because it's all I know, all I'm familiar with. I write because with my words I can create and destroy. I write with the hope that, one day, my words will make a difference. I write not because I want to, but because I have no other choice. To not write is to not live. To stops words from coming is to stop breathing.

To not write is to deny myself.

Learn more about this author, Erin Lee.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about Essays: Why we write?
We want to hear your view. Write now!