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How to get the neighbors to hate you in 5 easy steps

I have lived in a city or town my entire life. This has given me a lifetime of experience with neighbors and how to interact with them. When you first move into a neighborhood, it's a good idea to find out right away which neighbors will respect your privacy and property and those that will take advantage of your good nature. Baking pies and asking for cupfuls of sugar out dated ways of getting to know who lives next door to you. If you want them to like you the first thing you should do is have a cook out. Spend lavishly and invite everyone. Keep your eyes open for any neighbor that isn't part of a pack and seems shunned by everyone else. It's quite likely that this is one guy you don't want borrowing your lawn mower, because he will help himself on days you need it. Check to see if his pockets are bulging. If they are, he's probably stuffed them full of tasty hors d'oeuvres and expensive drink. Ask the other neighbors questions about him. If they roll their eyes or pull you aside to whisper in your ear, you know you want to steer of this guy.

It's time to put your plan into action. It's important to follow these steps in a way that won't alienate the neighbors you want to befriend. If you are too enthusiastic in your efforts you may become that one neighbor that everyone else avoids. Don't use all of these steps simultaneously or the local teens might target your house next Halloween.

Step One.
Get a hyper dog. Hyper is important here, because dogs that are laid back won't produce the results you want. Introduce your dog to key neighbors, but purposely avoid that one guy. This way the other neighbors will know that your furry critter is just a pup and oh-so friendly. Place your dog's chain outside as close to that other neighbor as possible, attach the dog, and go away for couple of hours [Note: make sure the weather is good and that your dog has shelter food and water]. This will cause your little guy to bark and bark, because he can't stand to be out. The neighbor you are trying to alienate will get to hate your dog and probably call the police on you. Go to your other neighbors and complain that it was unfair and that your dog just has to learn to be outside.

Step Two.
Mow you lawn two or three times a week. But make sure your neighbor is home. Take extra care on that section closest to his house. This will cause your mowing time to increase, hopefully increasing your neighbor's irritation. When he yells out

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