by Dorothy Sander

Created on: July 07, 2007

There are two definitions for the word communication. One is the exchange of information and the other is "personal rapport". Communicating with co-workers, friends or lovers involves a combination of both types of communication and often some combination of both. Communication can be very useful and in fact necessary at the basic non-threatening level of transferring information. This basic form of communication keeps people connected at a very basic level. We all feel more comfortable when our spouse or children tells us they are going to the store and asks us if we need anything. This simple communication makes us feel valued and cared about in a very non-threatening way. This form of communication is also very valuable in the work place where it is helpful in keeping our boss informed as to how we are proceeding on a project. Keeping communication very clear in many basic situations prevents future conflicts from arising. For example a clear schedule as to who cleans the coffee pot when prevents resentment from building.

A deeper level of communication, one that allows us to develop or deepen the rapport in a relationship is more complex. At this level it is very important to understand how the person you are attempting to communication with actually hears what you are saying. We often make incorrect assumptions about how the other person is hearing us, assuming they hear us in exactly the way we want them to. We believe if we simply communicate our thoughts and feelings we should instantly be heard and accepted. We forget about the person's past and its influence on what they are feeling and thinking in the presence as well as the individuals style of communication. What you say may make perfect sense to you but could be triggering negative feelings in the other person that causes them to feel badly and shut down communication. On a deeper level, communication between two people becomes more about an interplay between two different people than just about getting feelings aired. This can do more harm than good.

In a male/female relationship it is important to understand that men and women process these attempts at communicating very differently. When a woman has an issue with a man in her life she wants to sit down and talk about it. This is the way women work. To do so makes them feel safe and connected. However, research shows that men when approached by their female companion with an "issue" immediately feel guilty and as if they have failed their partner

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