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A Chauvinist's Review of Feminism

At all ages, females pose an insurmountable mystery to males. It could be two five year old boys in a tree house pondering the question "Do you think girls burp?" It could be a college freshman at a keg party wondering if it's proper etiquette for a gentleman to offer a lady a light as she demonstrates the combustible property of flatulence.

The fact is that this is now the 21st century, and a woman can be whatever she wants... Although in some circles, blonde still remains most popular. Some women choose to play the role of the weaker sex. They ask for help opening jars. Apparently this task involves a different set of muscles than the one used to slam car doors.

Of course, there were the women who specifically didn't play the role of the weaker sex: The feminists. Not all women were feminists, but most were at the very least carriers.

Ladies demanded the right to breast feed in public, yet imagine what happened if a gentleman offered to test the temperature of the breast milk on his wrist.

Women claimed that men dominated the business world. However this certainly was not the case in the mega-million dollar industry of advertising Just consider the number of women as opposed to men in beer commercials over the years. And women made strides in creating advertising campaigns as well. How else would you explain the notion that a man should spend "a few months' salary" on an engagement ring?

If you were out for chicken dinner with a typical woman, she may have requested all white meat. But if she asked for all rooster, she was probably a feminist. Non-feminists cried when the dog died at the end of Old Yeller; Feminists cried when the shark died at the end of Jaws.

It was easy to spot them at baseball games; they were the ones eating hot dogs with knives and forks. At spring break, they were the ones turning the music down. Some chauvinists say it was difficult for a doctor to accurately take a feminist's temperature, because he had to figure in the wind-chill factor too.

There definitely were benefits to being a feminist, though. If you were a feminist and you were trying to quit smoking, then birth control was quite possibly unnecessary. So to be safe, if a gentleman found himself alone with a strange woman on an elevator, it was considered good manners to avoid direct eye contact with her. This frankly may have been a challenge depending on how she was built and what she was wearing.

It wasn't about a man having a romantic proposition "shot down." Certainly a woman had the right to state in no uncertain terms that she was not interested in sex; it's just that to some of us "chauvinistic" types, that still seems a bit much information to put on a T-shirt.

Learn more about this author, Rick Dickert.
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