by Sally Hall

Created on: July 01, 2007

Grief is part of human existence. All of us grieve. Children may grieve differently. Adoptive children may have many more losses than other children. What may seem insignificant to an adult may be monumental to a child. Adoptive children may have been moved a lot. They may mourn the loss of foster parents, of classmates, friends, a doll, a toy that they will never see again. The child may mourn the death of a pet or the loss of this pet. Perhaps the pet was with a former family. If the child lost his parents or family by death, he may mourn that. If the parents do not want him, he still may mourn the relationship loss.

Let the child talk to you about his feelings. Give him paints or crayons and let him tell a story about his feelings. Talk to him about his losses and how he feels now compared to how he felt. Be supportive and let him know it is okay to be sad sometimes. If he is an older child let him keep a journal and then have him compare feelings. Try to provide some continuity and positives in his life. A younger child could be encouraged to talk to his toys about his feelings. Can anything he is missing be recreated? If his foster family had pizza nights, could this be done now? If he had a teddy, is it possible to buy one? If he likes pets, could he go to the zoo? Provide some structure but also some alone time. If he is angry, have ways to channel this appropriately. Remember that he is also adjusting to a new environment.

If he does not get to the acceptance stage and is not able to deal with the grief, he may need professional help. If he has extreme withdrawal, increased outbursts or crying frequently, poor sleeping and eating, difficulty with relationships, consult with the pediatrician or a child psychologist or psychiatrist. Grief symptoms should not be allowed to go on over 1-2 months. It must be remembered though, everyone grieves at his own speed. Provide the child with challenging experiences, support, encouragement and a climate where he can express feelings. Most grief subsides with time but if combined with many other problems it makes it more difficult. If the child is in school, talk with the counselor about suggestions and ask the teachers how he is doing. When he is placed, you might discuss any grief issues he has had in past with the social worker and ask her for opinions of ways you may help.

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