by Ceinna Childers

Created on: July 01, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Being a grandmother should be the most joyous experience of my life but instead it's the most sorrowful thing that's ever happened to me. Sometimes I believe I must be the only grandmother on the face of the earth who's had her only grandchild ripped from her life. Surely that's not so but in a way I hope it is because I'd never wish this grief on another person.

I am the very proud grandmother of a precious little girl I have only been allowed to hold one time. I have only seen her on a few occasions from a distance. When I held her she was only a few days old and when I tried to see her again I was told I was not allowed to have contact with her again. I was given several explanations but all were different and none made sense.

I buy my little princess presents for her birthday and Christmas. I was told I could drop them off on the front porch if I wanted to but not to bother knocking or trying to see her.
My son and daughter in law don't speak to any of us. They shield their daughter from my son's whole family. Even my brothers and sisters and parents and other relatives aren't allowed to see her. No pictures. Nothing.

I would love to know what it's really like to be a grandmother. I've dreamed of being a grandmother for the last 8 years since another of my children thought she was pregnant. I've struggled with so many things. For example what does it say about me when my own child won't allow me to have contact with my only grandchild? What kind of person did I raise? How did this happen that my own child doesn't speak to me? Will it ever change? I keep hoping someday my little princess will hear about me and want to know who I am and I'll be here waiting.

All of this happened several years ago. I've just gotten to the point where I can listen to a grandmother share her joy without letting my own pain overshadow it. It's only been the last few months that I can look at a baby without thinking of my grandchild and being overcome by heartache. I enjoyed holding a baby for the first time recently and didn't get sad. That is significant progress. I love babies. I love children. I don't want the one I've lost to keep me from all the others I come in contact with. But I'm a grandmother without a grandchild and it's one of the hardest things I can't imagine.

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