by Gary Davis

Created on: June 30, 2007

I was a sophomore and she was a senior. I worshipped her. She wasn't beautiful, but she was smart. I was smart too, and, I was the "first chair" French horn player which was unheard of for a sophomore, so, she seemed to admire me as well. Perhaps it was the fact she wasn't beautiful that made me think she might be attainable. But she was not circumspect about who she flirted with. She was all woman! Her feminine ways melted me.

To this day I think she knew that I had a crush on her and, I think she used it as ego food.
I remember one day we were goofing around and I put my arm around her and tipped her back like I was going to kiss her. She didn't stop me, and, didn't seem upset that I was acting like I was going to kiss her. I was very, very dizzy from being so close to her face.
Every day I would see her in "Band" and would watch her play the flute. I watched her every minute to see if she might glance my way. She did from time to time and I really do think she "liked me". It just wasn't "politically correct" to date someone two years younger than yourself if you, particularly if you were a girl.
She was on my mind at home, in my dreams; at school; everywhere.
I had never seen her with a "boyfriend" which further kept my hopes alive.
Then, the day came when I saw her boyfriend. He was a goon. He was not hip. I was embarrassed for her. How could the "love of my life" who I idolized, cheapen herself by dating this "punk". Was I ever disillusioned. My estimation of her dwindled.
What really disillusioned me, though, was when I heard her boyfriend talking to her while they were walking down the hall. Her "great love" was talking to her in a condescending manner and she was just taking it like a young rock fan would take it from a rock star; just "starry-eyed".
The "senior prom" was approaching. I knew better than to ask her to the dance. First, she had a boyfriend. Also, an underclassman couldn't initiate a date. But then miracle of miracles, one of my friends had a senior sister who had a crush on ME! She had her brother ask me if I would take her. I was unsure since I didn't know what she looked like but, then I saw her, and jumped on the chance.
So, we went to the prom. Of course the girl I had a crush on was there and saw me. You KNOW I played it to the hilt.
Well, I watched out of the corner of my eye the way my "initial unrequited love" interacted with her date and, she didn't have much fun and, as a matter of fact, they left early, not even holding hands.
I got somewhat close to my friend's sister. She even kissed me good night and, we went out again.
That next Monday, my friend from Band came over to me to "flirt", but, I acted fairly "standoffish". There was something different about my "infatuation"; that feeling of "mystery" was missing.
I determined that perhaps infatuation was a feeling one got when something was out of reach. If you got something just as good or better, the feeling would go away.
Maybe, infatuation is an emotion that only has a place in the face of perceived futility; a feeling that helps you survive frustration.

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