by Renee Soulie

Created on: June 28, 2007

They never tell you all the benefits of growing old. Oh well, sure they tell you about AARP (rat bastards) and how you are certainly not getting older you are getting better. You know the stock phrases you want to just punch someone for saying. But they leave out all the really nifty stuff about growing older.

A prime example is your new found ability to be invisible. Yes, try it, I promise you that you too have this ability. Stand in a booth on a college campus with three cute twenty year old girls. You will quickly perceive how you too are now sharing one of those super powers that are primarily reserved for comic book heroines. Not only are you quite invisible you are also able to speak without being heard. This has a very lovely advantage of giving you the opportunity to mutter profanities and make certain hand gestures and none of the children even notice.

Now one of the other great benefits is you finally realize why all those old people used to pinch your cheeks so hard when you were young. While smiling at you through their dentures they would reach over and pinch the living hell out of you. Why? Well you are a little heathen brat and they could get away with pinching your back-talking little screeching overly-energetic self. I just love that benefit, it tickles me pink. In a grocery store and the woman in line in front of you has that super power mothers have of not hearing how incredibly horrific their child sounds screeching and reaching for the candy bars. So, being a nice old lady I smile bright, lean over and pinch the hell out of the little beggars' cheeks with both hands (it is important to smile brightly while you do this) and coo, "what an adorable little tyke, have your tried paregoric?" Sadly they no longer prescribe paregoric for children these days. I do love that cheek pinch benefit almost to the point of looking forward to going to the grocery store.

Have I mentioned the blue hair yet? Oh, that is a definite perk. Personally I am expecting to be a pink haired old lady but still - how much fun that will be? I am not yet sure if I will go for the Bride of Frankenstein weekly perm with my pink but that option is open. You see, even though we get older we still will have many options for fun and frivolity.

Another lovely aspect of growing old is that day you discover that you do not really give a rat's patoot if you forgot to put your lipstick on before answering the door. As a matter of fact I have taken great delight in mussing my hair up

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