2 of 71

Write now Article Tools

Women tolerate abuse from their men mainly because of low self-esteem. They may not have low self-esteem when they first get together with their man: however, many abusive men are expert manipulators, and know how to gain control of people by undermining them.

I can think of an example from my personal acquaintance: think a young woman, recently degree-qualified, bright and bubbly, just started a good job with a prestigious firm. She met a guy. It all happened very fast - married and pregnant in no time. He was earning big money, so they agreed she could afford to give up work when the baby arrived.

What we couldn't see was the subtle pressures he had started applying from the moment they had moved in together. The gradual removal of freedom, so that he controlled everything. Offering to help choose her clothes. Insisting on his choice of home, furnishings, car - she loved him, why wouldn't she let him have what he wants, what does it hurt? And then there were the comments. Apparently made in fun - chiding her for something silly she said when they were out with friends, or making fun of an opinion, or teasing her about her weight - but said often enough, they started to have an effect.

Giving up work was the final straw, because she lost her independent income, the only thing that he hadn't controlled. And without people at work telling her how good she was at her job to counterbalance his constant negative barbs, her confidence evaporated.

Women in this situation get to the point where they believe their man's low opinion of them. They start to think that this man is the best they can ever do. Women from some cultures and backgrounds can't conceive of a future without a man, so they feel they have no option but to stick with the one they've got, no matter how abusive.

And, of course, in most cases we are talking about men who are very manipulative. They know how to take control, how to hurt, how to demean - but they also know how to turn on the charm. They're often consummate actors. After the abuse, they're quite capable of turning on a convincing display of remorse. The woman should know better, but faced with the apparent return of the man she fell in love with, she relents. She has to go through the cycle many, many times before she admits it's only an act.

Learn more about this author, Dancing Queen.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Why do women tolerate abuse from their men??
We want to hear your view. Write now!