by Alexandra Nys

Created on: June 27, 2007   Last Updated: January 09, 2008

Do you remember when you were a kid and your parents used to tell you about Santa? What did they say? It doesn't matter if they told you whether he was real or not, but just for this instance, imagine if the existence of Santa had deep emotional repercussions upon your life which influenced not only your beliefs, but your sense of who you are. And imagine if you were told that Santa is real- and then, one day, you were reading through some of your parents old things and- poof!

From the time we are little, we derive our sense of identity, first and foremost, in where we have come from. As a child, the one most influential thing in life should be your parents, and a young person who grows up to be strong and emotionally balanced will be the one who has experienced a consistent and nurturing upbringing.

When a child is told one thing at a young age, and another at an older age, it may bring about a fundamental incongruency on the parent's part, and will produce inner conflict within his/her psyche. This is why we should endeavour to tell our kids the truth, right from the start.

But what if he/she is too young to understand? You may ask. Children may not understand the emotional, social and relational ins and outs of how families work, but even a baby understands who is mummy and who is daddy. Try to always stick with the story, but just tell it in a simpler way, eg. Your real mummy and daddy didn't have enough money to feed you, and so they gave you to us, so that we could be your other mum and dad.

Hold to what's true and believe that as long as you tell your kid what's going on, there'll be no reason for him/her to resent you, because when the time comes, the difference between keeping or losing the respect of your son or daughter is whether you respected them- regardless of how much you would like to protect your child from potentially feeling let down because they are adopted.

The most important thing in the world is that your kid knows not just who made them, but who cares for them. Have them know that you're the one who cares- the most! (it's true, isn't it!)

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