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The best purchase I made this month was a backyard guillotine. No kidding. Now before you think me weird, let me explain why such contraptions are sometimes necessary.

I like to think I run a pretty tight ship at my place. But sometimes screaming like a banshee just doesn't get the job done, and people forget that you are the keeper of the cottage. Sometimes pint-sized insubordinates need a little reminder regarding who wears the mommy pants in the family. You can take away the toys, you can whack 'em with a fly swatter, and you can make them scrub toilets with toothbrushes, but let's face it- these consequences just don't pack the same punch after you've used them so many times. Now let me tell you something... you're not truly the queen of your palace until you've bought a backyard guillotine. There's something about the threat of decapitation looming over one's head that influences them to straighten up and quit acting like they were raised by wolves. It's a sinister object that strikes fear in the hearts of all who lay eyes on it... just by sitting right where it's at, looking all tough and stuff.

It's perfect for curbing bad habits. It's perfect for just about any offense, no matter what the degree, really. Imagine being a snot-nosed little kid and hearing your parents say things like, "Oh. You forgot to do your homework again? Chop chop." Or how about, "You don't like the big red chunks in your spaghetti, huh? Not gonna eat that delicious meal that I slaved my tits over a hot stove to make for you? Let's take a walk and have a chat about that, shall we?" And heaven forbid I find out you're the one who's been wiping boogers on the walls... you better believe you're gonna find your puny little neck on mom's chopping block. I'm telling you... more parents should own these- they are a new wave solution to stomping out the rampant disrespect of this new breed of kids. Watch as little Johnny tries to press his luck by refusing to clean his room... then watch the expression on his face as he glances sideways out the window and sees the blade slowly rising in the glint of the afternoon sun. That's right Johnny... mom means business this time, and you're not really sure if she'll do it or not, are you? Is it really worth the risk to get out of cleaning up a few comic books, Legos, and scads of dirty underoos? Are we feeling lucky today?

For the most part, it's very effective, but of course, many of you will find yourself saddled with one of those hard learners who

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