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furtive. It also showed the friends the standard of behaviour expected in our home.

3. They are emotionally hurting and in pain. Many children hurt for lots of reasons that their parents are not even aware of. Often the parents get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The child could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a parent makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the teen may perceive are missing. The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities without being intrusive. Wait until they are ready to open up. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.

4. They have been indulged and spoilt, not taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. Disrespect is rife in homes where parents have been permissive in bringing up their children and where there are few firm rules set for appropriate behaviour. It is easy for the child to push the boundaries and behave in a disrespectful way because they know no different and believe that kind of behaviour would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the teens are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment and bad behaviour is their way of rebelling against this. The best tips here are to be firm but fair with the child from as early as possible in their life, to be consistent but flexible with rules and to ensure that the boundaries for good behaviour are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that teens are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will then become routine in their behaviour and help to make them more confident, especially in the more competitive adult world.

5. They are copying parental behaviour. Children in homes where the parents do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Parents teach their children not only through what they say, but most importantly, through what they DO. Children will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behaviour when they have been set the wrong examples. The parents might not want that to happen but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy. The best tip in this instance is to behave in a manner which you wish your teen to adopt. Set the right tone and behaviour consistently and they are likely to follow because they will be able to make the right decision for themselves when they are faced with conflicting behaviours and have to choose.

The main thing to remember is that teens learn from their parents, both spoken and unspoken behaviour. To get the kind of teens we desire, simply reinforce the behaviour that is desired while quietly reducing more inappropriate ones, especially in an atmosphere of flexibility and mutual respect.

Learn more about this author, Elaine Sihera.
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