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Oh fer cryin' out loud, of course you should spank your child. We should also put a scarlet "A" on bad girls and put troublemakers in stocks.

At one time stocks and public humiliation were very effective methods of getting people to conform to societies expectations. But it was only effective for a small window of time and in a limited segment of our population. In today's society we've found different (better, some might argue) ways of convincing people to behave themselves.

The same is true with spanking. There is a time-a very small window in a child's life-where spanking is effective discipline. It really only works well when children are non-verbal-between the time he toddles about and about 2 1/2 to three years of age. Once a child is old enough to express his wishes and convey an understanding of cause and consequence, then a parent should implement reasoning, time-outs, restraint and other non-physical forms of discipline.

Its application should be limited to times when a child's safety is at stake or when the child is defiant. When a child is running into traffic or sticking a fork into the plug outlet, it's really impractical to expect mommy to explain why she doesn't want sweetie electrocuted and wait for sweetie's cooperation. When a child's safety is at stake the lesson needs to be taught and taught NOW. When a small one is in a defiant mode, when she looks straight at you and drops the glass after you asked her to give it to you, then the parent's reaction needs to be swift and sure and unmistakably linked to the defiance.

Spanking by itself is never effective. You should use it only to get the child's attention, then make it clear that he has crossed a line, one that had already been clearly taught to him. You should explain what he did to earn the spanking and tell him to never do it again. And, once you've gained the child's attention with a swift swat (one swat only, never more than two) and she understands your expectations, please take the time to comfort her, hug, cuddle and kiss her to reassure her that you still love her.

Just as the stocks and scarlet letters quickly lost their effectiveness, so it is with spanking. Used injudiciously or too frequently, spanking inures the child to all forms of discipline. If you find you are spanking more than once or twice a day, you are not helping the child curb his impulses nor learn cause and consequences. And there is never any reason to spank a child after he is fully verbal and able to respond to other forms of discipline and reason. By age four or five spanking will teach a child more about humiliation and coercion than it will discipline and self-control.

Discipline is about helping our children learn society's expectations, beginning with parents' expectations. It's about learning to control ones own impulses and rein in desires. A child who cannot conform to his parents' boundaries will not feel confident with the boundaries of the larger world nor be able to safely realize his own dreams and desires. If we do our job right, we will have happy, well-mannered, even-tempered and confident children.

Learn more about this author, Charlene N..
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