by Julie Michael

Created on: June 24, 2007   Last Updated: July 07, 2009

My husband and I are facing yet another loss... our fifth loss within a year and a half. We are absolutely heartbroken. At this point, I am absolutely frustrated and furious with myself and my body.

How can a body that has carried five children successfully, all of the sudden stop working right? My husband has his frustrations and doubts as well.. He constantly wonders if it's HIM. We keep asking ourselves "WHY?", as yet, we've received no answers. We've got one child together already, but is one more too much to ask? What will it take?

My doctor is working as hard as he can, to find out exactly "what's wrong" and what's causing this.. But we have to also face the fact that there just may be no answers. We also have to accept that we may NEVER get one more baby. And, there's also the possibility that we will have to go through this several more times before we finally DO get that baby to hold in our arms.

How much it hurts, to get that positive pregnancy test, have it verified by the doctor, and before I even start getting morning sickness- It's all over, and there's no baby in my arms. No baby growing inside of me. I have gotten, the last few times, to where I don't even feel excitement or joy when I get that positive pregnancy test. I feel panic, fear, nervousness. "Is this the pregnancy that will stay?" "Will we get our baby this time?" "What will go wrong this time?"

I have a history of miscarriage and high-risk pregnancy, and so we knew it might be harder to try to have a baby.. But, we've found that "harder" doesn't even begin to describe it.. It's become outright difficult, frustrating, heart-breaking, and yet, we aren't giving up yet. Why? We don't know. We just keep hoping and praying we'll soon get that baby we're wanting so badly, we keep hoping that the next positive pregnancy test will be a successful pregnancy and end with a healthy baby.

Miscarriage is one of the most difficult things a couple can ever face.

Unfortunately, most people around them, don't really understand (unless THEY have been through it themselves!), and well-meaning friends and family often don't realize just how hurtful or painful their comments are.

I recently have had people tell me, "Well, you've already got five!" (OK, but we wanted the one we lost too!), I've been told "Relax, it'll happen!" (It's not that simple!), My Step-Mother told me this morning, "Well, maybe it's not meant to be." (Gee, thanks. How can YOU know what God wants for us?)

The best thing anyone can do for someone else who's going through a miscarriage, is offer hugs, prayers and support. Support meaning, just listen if they want to talk. Try to avoid "cliche" comments or suggestions, they hurt more than they do good.

I don't know how long it will take for us to get our next baby, if we ever will, but we're not ready to give up trying yet... Even though right now, it hurts and all I can think about is the "Baby that would have been."

Miscarriage is devastating, heartbreaking, and I need time to mourn. I need to be able to cry or talk about it, without hearing comments that are meant to help, but that cut like a knife. NO ONE truly understands how hard it is to lose a baby, unless they've been there themselves.

This pain is a crushing weight on my heart. I bear it quietly, as so many do not understand. And I pray for all the other Mothers and Fathers out there just like us, who wish desperately to have been able to hold and see our Angels.

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