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Ever since the first Fantastic Four movie devastated theaters across America, people have been bracing themselves for a sequel. It was an inevitable horror that plagued our dreams at night. The anticipation for the movie was not unlike waiting to see if you got herpes from that one chick who decided not to mention her condition to you until after the act. And then there it was - the preview. We prepared ourselves for the worst, but no great blow was landed. We arose from the fetal position and stared at the screen, not seeing the Fantastic Four, but the Silver Surfer! That would be the precise moment that we made out greatest mistake. We thought, "The Silver Surfer!? Hey, maybe this movie won't be so bad." Like a mouse to the trap, my friends. Like a mouse to the trap.

Now, don't get me wrong, the Surfer was enjoyable. The CG for our Silver anti-hero was gorgeous, and the effects that came with him were equally impressive. He was down right fantastic! However, he's the only character in the movie who deserves the title "fantastic."

What about the allegedly "Fantastic" Four? Let's take a look. Reed Richards (aka Mr. Fantastic) is the stretchy leader of the group. While his compulsively nerdy nature is suppose to have the audience laughing over just what a clumsy romantic he is, he often comes off as a guy who really does love his work more than his fianc, and it's not appealing. Of course, if my wife-to-be was as poorly acted a character as Susan Storm (aka the Invisible "except when I'm showing off my body to boost the box office" Woman) then I might enjoy my work more to. Moving on to her brother, Johnny Storm (aka The Human Hemorrhoid...er...Torch). This character's "funny, lovable jerk" nature is all about getting some laughs, but he fails on the "funny, lovable" part. And last, but certainly not least, the Thing (aka Ben something...). I was surprised to learn that the Thing is not actually composed of some hitherto unknown rock, but, in fact, is comprised almost completely out of terrible one-liners.

This leaves only one character, and that is Victor von Doom. To tell you that I hate this character more that any of the Fantastic Four should sum it up nicely. His acting, especially when he has the mask on, is enough to cause people with weaker constitutions to lose their popcorn. Also, to jump on my soap box for a moment, why does a character, who hails from Latvia, have an American accent?!

Now, if the character were the only problem with this movie, well, I still wouldn't tell you to go, but since they aren't, I'm going to suggest you actually keep a distance from any theater playing it. The plot, while decent as a whole, suffers from poor dialog, bad flow and some moment that will leave you confused (and no, it isn't cleared up later). For example, Dr. Doom wakes up because of the Surfer's energy somethingorother and is freed by some guy. Who is this guy? Why is he freeing him? How did he know Doom was awake? I can honestly say, I don't have a clue. Also, apparently the key to stopping the Surfer is a Tacion Pulse. Why is that? More importantly, what is that? I certainly don't know, because this movie likes to keep secrets.

In conclusion, this is not a movie for viewing. There is almost nothing redeeming about it. If you are a die hard Silver Surfer fan and just have to see your hero on the big screen, I recommend you bring a magazine or something to occupy yourself with while your silver idol is off screen. Everything else will just tarnish his silver image.

Learn more about this author, Klaus von Hohenloe.
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