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Emotional availability is the key phrase for adults when children tell them about being sexually abused. Adults are helpful only when they respond to the children with empathy and compassion. The focus is the children. No matter how emotionally upset adults may be, they must under-react. Afterward, adults can scream and cry and do what they want to do, but in the presence of the children, their demeanor is one of alert concern.

Children are more likely to talk when adults allow children to express themselves in their own words in their own ways. It is important for adults not to show a great deal of emotion, such as shock, disbelief, horror, gushes of sympathy and compassion. What works is to be calm, quietly compassionate, and above all, to listen.

If adults communicate, verbally or non-verbally, that sexual abuse is the most horrible thing and the abused person is damaged and hurt forever, this is harmful. In addition, adults harm children if adults blame themselves for not protecting children. Many children will become concerned about the adults' suffering and push their own to the side. Such adult reactions hurt children and can make the sexual abuse a more serious liability than it already is.

Furthermore, in their concern for the children or their own guilt, adults sometimes quiz the children, or give them the "third degree," which is a series of poorly-timed questions that demand immediate responses. It is important not to insist that the children talk, but rather give them a safe place in which to talk about their experiences and to explore the meanings and implications of their experiences.

Some people think the children wanted the abuse if they seem to have found it physically pleasurable, or if there was orgasm and/or ejaculation involved. In actuality, human bodies respond to sexual stimulation, which is pleasurable to be body. Sexual stimulation is pleasure to body and mind when there is mutuality and consent. Sexual pleasure under conditions of sexual abuse is confusing to children because it typically is confined to the body while the children's thoughts and emotions are fearful and confused.

Adults often cannot help child survivors who experienced bodily sensations because adults are unprepared to deal with the reality that children's bodies may respond to sexual stimulation that children do not want or seek.

A balanced message is that sexual abuse is a painful, difficult situation that children can learn to manage well with the help of adults.

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