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I was working the program, things were getting better, but I still had this hopelessness. I was still at odds with myself and I didn't know why. I was extremely suicidal and was obsessed with thoughts of death. I fantasized about dying daily. I longed for it. But then one day, all by myself, I cried out to God to help me. I didn't want to die, but didn't want to live so I was desperate enough for the moment to entertain the idea that God really was there. Then it felt as if I were in some kind of a trance, like a daydream. Suddenly, I felt like a bright light was shining on me and I felt as if an indescribable presence had enveloped me. I immediately felt dirty and tried to cower away from this presence but could not. Images came rapidly into my head. I saw a hill, the weather was gloomy, overcast like a storm was approaching. And then I saw a cross on top of the hill and there was Jesus on it, bleeding...and then his eyes fixated on mine. I began to groan and weep uncontrollably. Somehow I knew to ask for forgiveness and after I did, I immediately felt a sense of relief, a burden had been lifted. I became a new person in an instant. My desires were radically transformed. The desire to drink simply vanished among many other things. I now had a desire to get to know this God who had saved me. A Bible found it's way into my life and I began to read it ferociously. Miracles began to happen in rapid succession. I was broke and about to be homeless, then God gave me a place to stay with no expenses necessary!

I'm Still Not Perfect

Nor will I ever be in this lifetime. The closer I draw to Jesus, the more like Him I will be. If I slip away, my symptoms come roaring back to life, reminding me that I need to keep going back to that place of forgiveness. Jesus on the cross...in my place.

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