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My List

I have a list of things I will never do in life. It's a short list, really. Lots of people think that's pessimistic or fearful. I prefer to look at it as self-preservation. I like living. My list is logical, I think. You can be the judge.

Number 1 Do not skydive.

I have bad luck. The day I throw away my last pair of contacts is invariably the day before I break my glasses setting groceries on them. A brown paper bag full with 2% milk and organic eggs on the counter. And the sound of shattered glass lenses. With this bad luck, what would possess me to strap on a Kleenex-size strip of Teflon-coated nylon and throw myself at the ground from a mile above? Out of a plane? I am convinced that the next shattering thing will be me. After all, I have no glasses or contacts anymore. I can't see the ground screaming towards me. I do not skydive.

Number 2 Do not fall in love.

His name was Michael. He smiled at all the right moments and held my hand in public. He brushed his curly blond hair out of his eyes and whispered promise after promise. He was IT. I was 19, practically an old maid according to my mom. Granted, she couldn't wait for grandchildren, but that's beside the point. Michael wouldn't hold eye contact. He was mysteriously unavailable on holidays. But all I heard was I love you'. But these are always things you see in hindsight. Michael left a few weeks before 4th of July and my heart shattered. His letter, left on my car windshield, confessed his life with Janele, his soon-to-be-fiancee. I was in love, but I was merely a passing distraction for him. His name was Michael. I do not fall in love.

Number 3 Do not believe in God.

I remember Miss Melinda. She was 24, which is practically ancient when you are 6. I was 6. My mom went through a religious phase about then, dragging me and my brother to church so we would "be better people." I liked Miss Melinda. She smelled like citrus and her teeth were shiny when she smiled. She always gave me a paper cup full of pretzels or graham crackers at snack time. She always remembered my name. Miss Melinda said God was always there to catch us when we fall down, that he would always love me. We were out on the church playground. There was me, my brother, Jenna (the girl from next door), Jason (the pastor's son) and Sarah (I don't know who she was.) And there was Miss Melinda. I was on the swings, and Miss Melinda was there with her shiny smile, laughing as I swung higher and higher. Everyone was playing, and I jumped. Landed

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