Tofurky.

That's what my friend Staci says she makes on Thanksgiving, (and from my understanding, this wanna-be-bird is actually a brand name blob of tofu molded into a turkey shape). I'm sorry, but slash my jugular with a machete right now please and pass me a doused in gravy drumstick. After purposely exhaling my cigarette smoke in her nuts and grain-eating face, I can't help but ask why she eats this crap. "It's way healthier than turkey and it doesn't have a face," she says like a 5th grader as she tilts her head to the side, leaving me half-expecting "DUH!" to come out of her tiny mouth.

After I almost throw up in my mouth from imagining how disgusting even one morsel of Tofurky might taste, I use this opportunity to quiz Staci even further on her health, since she is in fact, a self-proclaimed health nut.

Wait, let's back up for a second.

When I considered writing about health fanatics, I half cringed because as much as I wanted to poke fun at "those people," I also had little desire to write about "those people." Part of my hesitation was based on my own sad reality because I am certainly not the pillar of good health. The other part was that I normally try to avoid putting myself in situations where I may end up feeling bad about myself, and I could see already that talking to I-live-at-Whole Foods health freaks may result in me having to take a look at my unhealthiness.

I began my task by compiling a specific list of 15 behaviors and traits the average person uses to label someone a health nut. I also spoke with professionals (dieticians, yoga instructors, personal trainers, and several physicians) to make sure my criteria were well-rounded. Here's what we came up with:

A truly healthy person is someone who:

-works out regularly
-eats at least 3 healthy, balanced meals / day
-is perhaps a vegan or vegetarian
-is at their ideal weight (this means not considerably over or underweight)
-is a non-smoker
-does no drugs
-is not bulimia
-is not anorexic
-has zero to very little caffeine consumption
-eats organic food
-sleeps at least 6 hours / night
-is a non-drinker (or drinks very moderately)
-does yoga
-takes vitamins and supplements
-has a well-rounded "healthy" lifestyle (with regard to spirituality, level moods, kindness, and an overall content state of mind)

Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

After weeks and weeks of searching for even one person to fit the build, (no pun intended), it became apparent to

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