"The Ache"

"Oh God, Oh God, O God, Oh God." There is nothing else to say. My face is hot under the large pillow - I named it Snuffy four years earlier because it was so big and cushy. But today, Snuffy only buries my grief as I lie on the couch, holding him over my head.

Five days ago, before the horrible ache of something terrible to come began in my stomach, life was good. I mean, not perfect, but familiar. I had my future planned out just right, with the man I planned to marry at my side. He said he loved me; that he couldn't wait to be married to me. That in only 2 more months we could be together forever. My perfect wedding dress hung in the closet, and the invitations that needed to be addressed and sent sat on the kitchen table. When did he change his mind? I knew it was coming. That's what the horrible ache in my stomach was - an ache that only became stronger as I waited for him today. The hug I gave him was barely received and not reciprocated. Strange. Sadness filled his eyes. The ache grew. "Come up to my room. We need to talk." I started to shake - you know, the kind that starts from deep inside, probably coming from the ache. "I'm not ready to marry you right now." Speechless. My body shook a little harder, maybe I'll be sick. No amount of reasoning changed his mind; only futile attempts on my part.

What else is there but to bury myself under Snuffy and cry out to God? Surely He hears me. How long has it been now? Finally peace comes. Not the kind that brings happiness, but my shaking stops, and I lift the pillow off my head. The man who supposedly loves me now only looks at me with tears in his eyes like, "I'm sorry. I thought I could do it, but you're not the one. Sorry to hurt you." My heart hurts like it might actually shatter or explode or stop beating. I think that would be okay. "One last kiss?" I ask. We come together for the sweetest kiss I have ever known; so much tenderness, so much sorrow. Slowly I remove the diamond ring from my finger. No words spoken as the exchange takes place. "Promise me you'll tell me when you meet someone else?" I beg such an unreasonable request, yet he promises. And then it's over. Lord, help me.

Learn more about this author, Carmen Goering.
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